What Caught My Eye

Love LGBTQ+ work... but I don't like romance. I took a chance. Mostly, I decided to give it a go because it's Prose. This is definitely prose... not sure why you chose to line break it this way... each sentence needs it's own line? Could be more effective with different breaks in my view, particularly with you have runs of short, choppy sentences one after another. Personal preference, I suppose.

Favorite Aspects

You have some nice word choice/language going on in here. The curve of buildings, for instance, brings with it a feeling of looming, dread, and being closed in. So simple, but quite effective.

Buildings swirl into a tube of judgement... also really good. I'd probably cut the "each other in" because it's implied. Sure sure, it's poetry-style pruning... but to be honest, I think every story should be line edited in similar fashion. Precise language is effective language.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The first two lines didn't grab me at all... neither did 3 and 4, to be honest. The buildings curving was the first thing that struck me as unique or interesting.

Sure, the opening lines set up what's about to come. BUT-- you can do that in way less space and fewer words.

"We clasp hands and pant, cold air burning clear down to our lungs.
Our legs scream at the pavement."

Yeah, yeah... more poetic than prose in some ways. But it sets up:

1. pavement/asphalt/street-- hints at the setting.
2. holding hands
3. the cold
4. legs hurt from running

In 19 words vs 29. Plus, I think legs actually screaming takes it from a cliche into a more interesting use of figurative language. You know? This is what drafts are for... take something good or adequate and make it SING. You don't need to do what I did (you're welcome to it though if you dig it)... but something more tightly written could get to the meaty part much faster.

Language

As I said before... your language usage is really nice. The flow of the words is better than lots of poetry I've read on here too. Take the windows echoing "wrong wrong wrong"... it's pleasant to the ear and breaks up the monotony of the heavier lines before it. It calls attention to the meaning. I'd remove the capitals myself, but they do an alright job of visually intensifying each one. Another personal taste type of thing.

Effect

I'll go ahead and stop there. This is a good piece. I actually like the message and content of it, but I never really review with that in mind. I'm more about the effectiveness of what's on the page. This is effective. It could be MORE effective with some pruning and maybe a little restructuring. Love the imagery too, by the way... another aspect done better than lots of poetry I've read here. The others missing eyes and limbs... very effective. So overall, this is a solid "good" from me... 4 stars.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .