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 Review #4537067 |
 Welcome to WdC from the "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Good morning, The White Lotus  , and welcome to WdC. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a former steampunk author who has transitioned to horror, but I try to review a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I say here, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Before I pitch in, allow me to offer a suggestion: Put something deep or humorous or otherwise attractive in the bio space of your landing page. Some members decide whether to examine your port by what you put in that first section. I should also mention that I usually review longer fiction pieces, and write from a template that bangs on about characters, settings, and the like. None of that will be of much use here, so I'm going off the script. Okay, let's get started. Let me begin with your presentation. This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. This looks at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in a effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent! You have used the WdC default formatting, and you can't be faulted for that, but you've undoubtedly noticed that it makes for a bland, sterile wall of fine, dense print that is more likely to repel a reader than to draw him in. I suggest that you copy this command line at the beginning of your essay, and see what a difference it makes: {font:verdana}{size:3.5}{linespace:1.4}. This will open up the typeface and spacing, making your essay look like this review. I think you'll be pleased with the result. Now on to the content. What did you have to say, and how did you say it? I should begin by telling you that I identify myself as a Taoist. There's a long and unimportant story behind how I got there, but I'm predisposed to be much more receptive to this than your average western Christian. I don't usually review essays, but when I saw your opening statement, that all beings equal one being, I knew I would be reading the whole article. This is a pretty bold move on your part, to drop a fundamental Buddhist/Taoist core belief on a western audience and expect them to follow along. Or maybe that isn't what you expect, but I do think the reaction you're most likely to get is, "Huh?" There are a couple of points that I don't agree with, though that just may stem from your manner of expressing them, but overall, you have laid out what you believe with a great measure of clarity. I just think this is pretty advanced stuff, and a reader might have to have a background in some of the more basic concepts to follow this effectively. Nothing wrong with the writing, though! Mechanically, that is grammar, spelling, and the like, you've done a creditable job. A couple of little points that caught my eye and broke my immersion in your essay were, 1. Use of the = sign in the first sentence. This isn't a mathematics text; you should spell it out. 2. Personal preference: I didn't care for the "no?" at the end of sentence about life being bland if we were all the same, but if you're going to use it, it should be set off by a comma. 3. The three sets of ellipses seemed out of place. In non-fiction they are generally used to indicate additional text that isn't included for whatever reason. I would write that as even when you are unconscious, asleep, or meditating. 4. Multiple exclamation points are unnecessary to make your point, and give the feel of a teenage girl's diary. Always use as few as possible (create your emphasis through your text), but never more than one at a time. Those complaints notwithstanding, this is a good, solid dissertation on your beliefs concerning humanity and the world. A few mechanical errors are nothing to worry about. Most of them are caught during proofreading anyway. The important part is that you come with an interesting subject, and discuss it well, and it is a worth effort indeed. I hope that I have presented my opinions in a way that is constructive, and that you will find helpful to your endeavors going forward. It is never my intention to belittle anyone's efforts or discourage them from following the dream that I have found so fulfilling for the last six decades. In any case, if I can leave you with one thought to take with you, let it be this: Don't forget to have the fun! So many young and/or beginning writers get so caught up in the daily word count, the quest for publication, and the often conflicting advice of other writers that they forget to enjoy the journey. You may or may not become the next Big Celebrity Author, but you will always have the experience. Make sure it's a good one! Read well, and write better,  JackIf you found any of this useful or entertaining, consider this your invitation to visit and perhaps join our group.
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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