Dear elyse03 – Welcome to Writing.com. I am glad you are a part of this amazing writing community now. I enjoyed reading "Invalid Item"  and as you have kindly requested I am glad to offer my review.
 
  FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Colors, shapes, forms sounds and tastes are richly employed in this story of finding true “luck” in life. While I could see the colors and hear the many droplets before the sky turns a bright blue, I could taste and feel the fog, the nectar on the leaves and the newly mown grass of the park. The images are blissfully radiant and have magical ways of engaging all of my senses. Even the gems that should feel hard against my skin are actually moist like heavenly dew.
 
  THEME
 
The theme of your story, finding double luck, is established and adhered too though out your piece. It becomes Annie’s obsession and brings her to a point of taking extreme action to make good fortune be hers.
 
  STRUCTURE
 
Your story is written in present tense from a second person point of view. For my own personal taste, I find this structure hard to follow. Generally I don’t feel compelled to read this form of prose except pieces that have been written by authors who have I high degree of skill.

For your story, the structure you have chosen does work remarkably well and coming to realizations about the day, the luck and the ways good fortune can materialize out of our greatest hopes and desires at the same time as Annie makes the story have a childlike magical quality.

 
  MY FAVORITE MOMENT
 
The images, scenes and actions are wonderful and my favorite moment was:

“A tiny foot stomps the wet grass in frustration and cheeks puff. Not fair! The sound of the little stomp carries in the empty park and echoes back with a mewl. “

What child in the world wouldn’t want an immediate response from the universe as they choose to proceed into a full blown tantrum? This scene was set right at the perfect moment in the story to give your readers the right amount of satisfaction and pleasure on their journey with you.
 
 
  SUGGESTIONS
 
You have put a lot of effort bringing to life the world of Annie. I have a few suggestions that might add to the reader’s understanding of her world.

First I would suggest the same detail in your first paragraph continue through the story. I’m guessing because this was written for a contest that there is a word limitation, but once that limitation is lifted there are some places where we who are in your story might experience more of Annie’s world.

For instance in the second paragraph, when Annie realizes she is going to be rich because of the luck coming her way, what in her “empty” room is going to be different?

The sentence She looks around her empty room as one does when up to no good.

The scene might be written to make Annie’s heart less larcenous and more hopeful. We could see the meager belongings she does have becoming more luxurious.

Because of the luck that does come her way at the end of the story, I would envision Annie more of a polite, obedient and compliant child, but still with some temper, unless on the other side of finding her pot-o-gold, she is going to have to battle her parents to keep it.

Second you might consider giving more detail around the parents at work. Instead of saying they are working, she could walk to dad’s office where we see him doing specifically what he does. Where is mom on the computer? If it is on the way to the exit we could see a bit of mom’s surroundings. These elements like in your first paragraph can work your reader’s senses.

Maybe mom has a steaming cup of coffee nearby or dad is smoking a pipe or chewing on the tip of a pencil. Simple images can keep the reader imagining Annie’s world throughout the story.


  IN SUMMARY
 
"Invalid Item"  takes the reader personally into the world of Annie who becomes drawn into a challenge to find the end of a rainbow and a double portion of luck’s great treasure. When she is seemingly thwarted in her efforts, what an amazing surprise we experience with our Annie. For me, this was a extraordinary journey. It was a joy to read and review your wonderful story.

Thanks for sharing your gift!
 
I hope my thoughts and impressions have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

♫~ Kenword~♫
 

You responded to this review 03/21/2020 @ 1:57pm EDT

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