Hi Natalie! I found your story doing a search for Sci-Fi to read and liked it very much!!

I really enjoyed your concept and the way you've woven you tale. You have me hooked and I'd continue reading this story if you chose to continue it. I feel for Ruby, her plight and really want to know what happens next. You left me with many questions, that would have forced me onward if there was on onward to proceed to.

I hope you don't mind if I make a few editorial comments;

This sentence: but what day did it finally die?Was it just yesterday?, needs a space between die? and Was.

"liveable" should be spelled livable - no e.

"neighbour" should be spelled neighbor - no u.

I do notice that some of your spellings are British English, but I do think those are spelled the same way in both versions of English. If I'm wrong, I apologize!!

This sentence: She pulls back from our embrace, but her eyes connect with mine[COMMA] and we share a quiet moment of memory is missing a comma between "mine & and, it's two clauses that require separation by a comma.

"spectre" I found this spelled both spectre and specter on Google, though spectre appears mostly as a stylized title. when I sent Google searching for a definition it changed the word to specter - a ghost.

A few stylistic comments;

In a couple of places; three successive sentence start with "I", (paragraph #3 and paragraphs #9 and (10) consider re-writing that to remove some of the "I's", successive use of a word affects readability. Try reading it back out loud.

Look at all the sentences where you used the words "that's, that, just and really, those are all very often "filler words". Re-read your sentence and try leaving out those words. Does the sentence work without it? If it does trim it out. Eliminating filler words help with pacing and readability and gives you more space to describe your story.

Like wise, words such as "knew, hear, it and see" are telling words, seek them out and eliminate them, show me the action/description instead.

Please remember all of the above is purely my opinion and as such you need to use what I've written that works for you or disregard any or all of it.

This is splendid tale, with a great hook that deserves and cries out to be expanded, I hope some of what I written encourages you do just that! Please Keep Writing!!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .