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 Review #4552094 |
 | Let The Light In  [13+] Marty gets more than he bargained for when he reports a problem to the police.  |
| (4.5)| Good morning, Jeff , and I hope it finds you well. For the record, my real name is Jack Tyler, and I am a retired steampunk and horror writer who tries to review in a wide variety of styles and genres. While I have a few books in print, I am neither a famous author nor a renowned critic. I'm just a guy with an opinion that I'm here to share, and if you disagree with anything I tell you, remember that the only opinion that matters here is yours. I should explain that I use this review template in which I discuss my views on the important areas of quality storytelling, then compare your work to my own beliefs on the matter. As I said, I'm no authority, but hopefully my comments will give you some ideas to take your writing in directions you hadn't previously considered. Let me just drop a warning here, and we'll get started. THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD PRESENTATION: This aspect deals with the first impression your story makes when a reader clicks on the title. Call it the cosmetics. I'll be looking at abstract items from text density to scene dividers in a effort to ferret out any unfortunate habits that might cause a reader to move on without actually reading anything; before you can dazzle him with your show, you have to get him into the tent!  One scene with simple paragraphs, and everything is done perfectly, as one would expect. I prefer indentations myself, but no penalty for personal preferences. It looks great, an inviting read, and while I wish you had opened up the font a bit, the spaces between the paragraphs keep it from presenting as an intimidating wall of text. Excellent work.STORY: This is really the basic element, isn't it? If you can't tell an engaging story, it doesn't matter what else you can do, because nobody's going to read it anyway. You should note that if you're reading this review, it means you've garnered decent to high marks in this category, or I would have moved on to something more engaging. I will try to explain aspects from characters to grammar, but I don't know how to teach someone to have an imagination, so congratulations; you've done something well already. Now let's examine the individual parts of the whole and see what makes it successful. We'll begin with the story itself, the theme, the flow, the impact, to see what made me stay instead of clicking on to the next one.  A couple of little tugs on my immersion added up to a half-star deduction.First, wouldn't the entry team already be geared up, quivering in the blocks to get in there? Even if they care nothing about this kid, they'd probably love to take this gang out. Second, for the first eight paragraphs, they're wiring Marty up while they're having a conversation. Then the detectives open the back door of the "panel," which I realized after leaving to flow to work it out, wasn't an electrical panel, but a panel truck. Recommend you include the word "truck," or replace it with "van." An excellent story, though, and inspired use of your prompt. I'd think that most people would have offered something religious to that theme. CHARACTERS: This section discusses all aspects of the characters, the way they look, act, and talk, as well as the development and presentation of backstory. Allow me to present "Tyler's Axiom:" Characters are fiction. Rich, multifaceted characters with compelling backstories will seize the reader in a grip that will not be denied, and drag him into their narrative, because he can't abide the thought of not knowing what will happen to them. Conversely, lazy, shallow stereotypes will ruin any story regardless of its other qualities, because the reader will be unable to answer the second question of fiction: Why do I care? Your characters are excellent at driving the depicted action. They're well-drawn and fit their roles well, and most people wouldn't find a nit to pick here, however... I have twin sons, and when they were young teens, gangbangery swept out neighborhood. Before I could get us out of there they had to join the gang. Actually, one joined, and the other was a hanger-on, but when you live in a gang neighborhood, you're either with them or against them. There is no such thing as minding your own business. Their affiliation protected all of us until I could move us out, but given my close-up view of gang kids, Paul and his crew seem like white-bread suburban kids trying to act ganged-up; a real gang would be much more sinister just as a matter of maintaining their intimidation. The perception is based entirely on my background in this area, and maybe how realistic they are isn't vital to the story, but given that background, I'm sticking with the half-star.SETTINGS: This section deals with the locations you've established for your action, the ways in which they affect that action, and your ability to describe them clearly and concisely. You could say that this aspect answers (or fails to answer) the first question of fiction, What's going on here? Setting can be used to challenge a character, to highlight a skill or quality, to set the mood of a scene without overtly saying a single thing about it, and a host of lesser impacts too numerous to mention. You might think of it as a print artist's equivalent of a movie's "mood music," always important yet never intrusive. All in all, a pretty big deal, then. So how did you do? This is good and atmospheric, the police van and the abandoned warehouse adding a chilling mood. I like it, and I'm going with five stars. The reality is that most of these gang kids had a single parent, usually a mom, who had to work, so they'd hang at a member's empty house... Making it extremely difficult for the police to do surveillance, as every vehicle was known, and a strange one would draw eyes like garbage draws flies. I still like it, though. The size raises the stakes for Marty, should he get jumped.MECHANICS: Whether you're writing fact or fiction, prose or poetry, the "holy grail" that you're striving for is immersion. This is an area that no author, myself included, ever wants to talk about: I've done all this work, and you want to argue over a comma?" But those commas are important. What you're really doing as a writer is weaving a magic spell around your reader, and your reader wants you to succeed. He wants to escape his mundane world for a period, and lose himself in your creation. Errors in spelling and grammar, typos, "there" vs. "their" issues, use of words inconsistent with their actual meanings, all yank him out of his immersion while he backtracks to re-read and puzzle out what you meant to say. This is never good, and this is the section that deals with that. I found one tiny typo that escaped proofreading that I'm not going to beat you up over:“What you got us tonight is a good, sure." Is a good what? Or should it be "what you got us is good." In a piece of this size, that's unheard of, and speaks highly of your editing skills. Excellent job! SUMMARY: For all the reasons cited above, half a star off. Having read your bio, I feel in many ways that I have no business offering you a critique, but that is sort of the point of the site, and this is a good story that grabbed me for the whole ride. I thank you for sharing and exposing your work to the whims of public opinion, and I wish you a thrilling journey to wherever your writing ultimately takes you.Read well, and write better,  JackConsider this your invitation to join in some wide-ranging discussions among writers of every level... or start your own! You'll find the not-so-secret clubhouse at
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 06/03/2020 @ 11:20pm EDT