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 Review #4572351 |
 | Helena's History  [E] A background story about how Helena Ravenclaw became a ghost of Hogwarts.  |
    Hello Ber239 ! How exciting you wrote about our lovely ghost Helena Ravenclaw! I'm excited to read what you know of her past in the story "Helena's History" E: A background story about how Helena Ravenclaw became a ghost of Hogwarts. It's too bad this little tale has no ratings yet! I'm here to change that   Overall Impression | This is a playful short story about how our very own Helena became a ghost. I enjoyed reading about her as a student at Hogwarts and the funny banter with the boy in her class called Dreckle. It seemed very realistic! I noticed this story is written in third-person omniscient, which is where the author and the reader are privy to the inner thoughts of all the characters. Since your story primarily deals with two distinct characters, maybe you could distinguish that with different font colors? Or maybe it would work to tell the whole story from one perspective and just learn about what the other character is feeling through his actions? Those are just suggestions though - your story as is works and is complete with a solid beginning, middle with appropriate conflict, and end with a solid conclusion (though it was a sad one). Punctuation/Grammar | Overall, your punctuation, grammar, word choice are fabulous! (As a Ravenclaw, I would expect nothing less from you  ) Your clean writing is worth 10 points to your house! Well done! You made me work hard to find anything to comment on. Here's just a few ideas for edits you could make in this area:"Hopefully this would keep him away for good, if Helena only knew."  The comma in this sentence might work better if it was a dash - or a semi-colon ; ."Dreckle would insist that he had loved her before they had even met." This sentence is grammatically correct, but it might read more smoothly if you gave it a trim like this: "Dreckle would insisted that he had loved her before they had even met." I noticed a few other places in the story where you use more words than you need to convey your meaning, so I would suggest you re-read with a critical eye toward trimming out those words for clarity and precision. Style/Presentation | The presentation of this piece is very clean and easy to read. You do a good job separating the paragraphs into manageable chunks. Even the title, brief description, and genres all add to the overall presentation of the piece. It looks great! The only thing you might consider changing is the size of the font. I like to recommend increasing the font size from the default size 3 to size 4 or 4.5 because this makes the words of your story stand out more from the rest of the words on the site. It also makes the story easier to read  A last note - in the middle of the piece, you write "Years later..." Instead, maybe you could add a page break using a few emoticons  and then indicate that the story picks up a few years later in the first sentence after the page break? I think that adding the page break would make it more clear that time has passed. Ravenclaw Review | You clearly have great familiarity with the personality of us Ravenclaws! Yes, we prefer not to slack off and yes, we can have fun while studying! It is sad though that Helena Ravenclaw lost her prized intelligence and became more clumsy as a result of her use of dark magic. That is certainly an appropriate consequence for a Ravenclaw! It also makes a lot of sense why Helena would want to steal Rowana's diadem - good work! You must be a Ravenclaw yourself, I suspect The main character of Helena in your story is smart, witty, and decisive. And you as the author are clear and precise in your writing! I found hardly any errors, but I'm sure you knew that already A+  Final Thoughts | I think this story could easily be expanded if you so chose! There is so much material here to work with. I would have loved to hear more about Dreckle's quest to find Helena, and what she was doing while she was running away. It seems the beginning half of the story is well filled in, but the second half of the story went a little too quickly, thus skipping over parts that could have been filled in more. Let me know if you update this item and I'll gladly come back to re-read and re-rate. Thanks again for sharing your writing, fellow Ravenclaw!  Take care, Emily   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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