Hi! It is I, Niviradamus, here with a review for Chapter 30-1: Outcome.

You did mention that the writing may dip in quality due to this being a three-chapter one chapter, and I will have to agree. The writing, to me, seems to have undergone a rather big change in that the characters think a hell of a lot more. This could be intentional to show what the characters are feeling at this point in the climax l, or it could be because you wanted to fill up some of the action with character bits. There was a lot of 'telling' right after 'showing' things to me, which also didn't help but make me think you could've trimmed down the chapter to perhaps write more of those character moments that you enjoy writing so much more. I think it would help expressing why the characters (Ian specifically) seem to talk in their head way more than usual. Not really a criticism, I suppose. Overall, I didn't think the change in how Ian thinks was that abrupt or sudden, and it's mostly in line with how he's been progressing so far.

And I've held off on saying this since I first started reading Incursion, but now that I know almost for sure that the specific names of the streets and roads aren't important to the story, I can give you some feedback on trimming the story. Basically, do less of this-

Actually making my way there was a little more difficult. I had to constantly keep checking the feed every half a minute or so just in case enemy positions had shifted. The mental toll of doing just that was considerable. My head actually began to throb dully once I’d crossed the Bow River and reached the neighbourhoods of Inglewood, Mills Estate, and Ramsay, all of which were situated east of the Calgary Stampede. Here, the density of enemy patrols and checkpoints nearly doubled, forcing me to stay away from main thoroughfares like Blackfoot Trail and 9th Avenue.

-I don't really see the point in writing out the exact path any character would take like this. It's definitely a writing style to be sure, but I wonder if you think writing action is boring not because the 'action' is boring, but that the buildup to the action is laborious. If I take chapter 30 as one climatic chapter, then over thirty percent of the chapter is not actual action. It's all the set-up to the chapter, which probably should've been done in earlier chapters so you could've avoided writing through a slog. There are times when your descriptions help, like this-

The view from this hill was lovely, even if for just a moment while I allowed my mind to drift freely

-you do this occasionally, which I appreciate quite a bit. It gives some info on Christina and what she likes or dislikes, instead of it just being a bland description of what she is doing exactly. I've held off on saying this because, see, there's always (mostly) a reason whenever writers go so specific into street names, and that's when the street is laced with traps or explosives that will blow up in the shape of a pentagram... Or something. Since it doesn't seem like anything like that will happen, I'll advise you to trim down on the movement descriptions and skip straight to the action. I highly doubt any reader cares about how the characters got there. You can do it early in the book, but once it's been established that the characters can go places without much trouble, gradually remove the movement descriptions from the story. If this makes you slog less, it'll make you write better as a whole since you're not bogged down by the length of the chapters.

... Things to keep in mind for the eventual rewrite, and for Origins as well.

Josh’s eyebrows arched. “Wait, wait. A Northstar file on Chrissy? What?”

“Yeah, that’s right. She used to be a merc working with Northstar in late 2016 to early 2017.”

“What the hell? I’ll admit, I didn’t give her C.O.S. personnel file the most thorough read, but there was nothing in there about that.”

This, and basically the entire exchange between Ian, Genel and Joshua. I'm going to go on my final mini-rant about Joshua and say he doesn't bring much to the table apart from being the fourth member of Shadow Team, and in this chapter, it especially shows. He takes everything Ian and Genel says in stride with almost no hesitation, while I think it would've been fantastic for beginning to build up his character through his reactions. His potential skepticism, his doubts, his conflicts with Shadow Team as he is finally in the loop would do well to show who Joshua is as a character, but instead, you went about it in a... Pretty good way. I can say that Joshua isn't completely surprised because I have my theories on him being more knowledgeable in certain areas than he seems, but the nonchalant way Joshua took in everything also made me wonder if you, as the writer, needed some way to get everyone into the loop, thus deciding on this manner of exposition to the rest of the team. I mean, it's got to happen eventually. I just think it's a bit rushed here, and you missed out on a lot of opportunities to show more about Joshua (and by extension, the Special Forces) in how he reacts to the news. It's less so about the content of the news. It's how the exchange goes down that slightly bothers me. I get that they don't have a lot of time, and that everyone is adult and mature and won't just throw a temper tantrum when they don't get their way, but Joshua's lack of emotional investment in the news is also quite symbolic to how he is written in this first book: I don't have much emotional investment in him, either. Certainly, you'll have this changed in the rewrite. I don't doubt that. Anyways, mini-rant over.

Not much to say about the first half of the first segment where it's mostly just exposition. Although,

"Okay, Ian.” She drew an emphatic breath. “You want to be a dumbass about this, fine.”

“Thanks.”

“Just tell me one last thing.”

“What about Chrissy?”

First thing, you split Genel's lines into two at the end here, confusing me for a bit when I first read through this part. Second thing, I laughed at Ian's deadpan response. It's a welcome laser ray of light in this sulky world.

"Just because I understand why people do what they do, doesn’t mean what they do is right.”

And just because what someone does isn't right, makes what that someone does is wrong. Ian's a judgemental guy, and I can relate to that. Judgement originates from pride (if we're going by the traditional definition of the sins) and pride... Isn't something I think Ian has a lot of. His judgemental trait stems from something else, I think. Like, Ian's not a bad guy. He has a strong 'sense of justice'. I can draw all the way back to when he defended Miyaku in high school from bullies and confidently say that Ian doesn't like wrongdoing. It irks him like how bullies irks him, and since the US is basically bullying the Canadians into submission, Ian can justify his own acts against the US. Whenever Ian latches onto something that he can use to justify his own morally-debatable acts, he sinks his teeth into it and never lets it go. Here, he's impossibly convinced that he's in the right (even though the next half of the segment contradicts this, but whatever, I'll just say this here), when I'd say that Christina is doing the right thing here. I think him saying this line to Genel is indication that he still has a long way to go in terms of character development. At least you don't seem to be cashing in (most of) his character development all for the climax for this first book.

I went over my admittedly short list of memories of Christina Valentine.

While Ian reminisces about Christina in a meta manner, I still think that his entire recount was too long. The emotional weight that Ian's experiences with Christina was, in my eyes, diminished by Ian laying it all out bare like that. Ian was 'telling' a whole lot there, even though I already know what he thinks when those experiences were playing out in real time. It's like 'telling' after 'showing' once again, but this time with a twist. The twist is that Ian is super vocal and thoughtful this time around - something that hasn't happened before - and makes the ensuing passage read to be a little... Weird. Again, the contents of what he is thinking isn't weird. It's his process of going through his memories and the style of the writing that I found weird. It ties back in to me saying that the entire chapter so far seems to be differently written from the rest of the story thus far. Though, this 'telling' doesn't last for long, because

There was something so… curiously human and natural about Christina. Even now, after finding out what she did, I could still admit that. The way she got flustered while shopping for undergarments with me, or when she came to invite me to breakfast during New Year’s Day, or the way she seemed to light up when talking to those people we rescued from the hospital. In these ways, the two of us were a world apart.

Who is she, really? Is she the compassionate, strong-willed woman who sought to help others these past two weeks? The one who patched me up when I got hurt? Is she the one who looked up at the stars with me and laughed genuinely while we chatted fleetingly about our personal lives?

This part was better. It's not Ian just recounting old details. Ian is actively thinking and furthering his own character development to someone who is more aware of another person's quandaries, and realizing that maybe the enemy on the other side in the past may not be all that different from him. It's an important realization that I think I can confidently say that Ian will, in some manner, attempt to forgive Christina. He would try to do so uonsciously or unconsciously, though Ian would probably twist some words around and say something along the lines of 'Im not forgiving you, I'm just going to make sure you don't do anything bad again without killing you' or something of the sort. Hurray for actual development. It's been a long time coming.

What do I even say to her at this point? What else needed spelling out? She’d done wrong by me and Genel. She knew that and I knew that. Where do we go from here?

Do I kill her? Do I forgive her?

I can’t forgive her. Not now. Not for what she’d done. Not for who she stole.

I like how Ian still has conflicting thoughts even when he's standing in front of Christina's door, and how he knocks on the door regardless even though he's hesitant to talk to her. I love this. His mind says no. Reaper and Knight says no. Ian is indecisive. But his body goes 'no, I wan talk' and knocks on the door not once, but twice after he gets no response. Ian isn't one to just let his body take control away from him, so that he knocks on the door regardless is proof that there is something special between him and Christina. The ship has set sailed The disconnect between what Ian thinks and what he does has always been interesting. You call it contradictions, and I think him knocking on the door is literally the most obvious tell to anyone that Ian's egodystonic at times.

Also, interesting how Ian thinks Christina 'stole' Miyaku from him, as if he ever possessed Miyaku in the first place. I would say something about this... But I'll leave it for Origins.

Onto the next segment with Christina.

After mulling it over a minute, I decided there was no other alternative. I needed a TACPAD.

I think it's sad that, despite Christina mulling over whether or not she can become friends with Shadow Team a few chapters back, she still defaults to using force to get what she wants from them if she needs to. It's understandable why her train of thought went down to tying Genel up to get her TACPAD, but this shows that Christina also has a long way to go. She's not at a relationship level strong enough to just ask Joshua or Genel for their TACPADS, though I wonder... Would Genel have given Christina her TACPAD?

...

"Chrissy,” she said sluggishly, “you can’t. You’re… not going to help anyone like this. All by yourself. Please, don’t.”

“I have to try, Genel.” I made my way back to the edge of her bed and molded the shirt into a thinner, streamlined shape, and draped it around Genel’s head, making her bite into the cloth. “I can’t leave those people behind.”

Guess that answers my question. Christina's 'I have to try' response is completely correct to me. Though King later says that Shadow Team is needed to provide support to the Canadians, - and that if the Shadows are off doing something else, the retake of Calgary might be completely screwed - I still think that Shadow Team should have skipped straight to figuring out how to rescue the civilians at the airport regardless. I love this word, if you can't tell. 'Regardless' is so damn cool. It's a bit cliché and corny in a lot of shows, but I genuinely believe that if no one tries to win absolutely or get a win-win scenario for both sides of the fight (which is not where this story is headed, I am almost a hundred percent sure), then Shadow Team is just going to end up regretting their decisions to not have yearned to do something more important than doing their jobs. To quote a random Pinterest line: 'Remember, you cannot save anyone. Remember, you have to try.' Shadow Team is made up of good and strong people. That they haven't realized that they can do a lot more than just what they're told is kind of a bummer at this point in the story, but that's why I'll be reading on with expectations that they'll learn of their own influence as Human beings.

I'm a Human supremist. Sue me. I love Christina's thought process here, I just wanted to say that out loud.

Selfishly, despite not being worthy of their kindness, I wished from the bottom of my heart that they were here with me. Josh, Genel… Ian.

Since when did I start missing other people apart from my family? It was a bit funny; I’d spent a much longer time being part of Glacier Team, but compared to Shadow, its members never quite stirred this much fondness in me

Makes me wonder what her experience with Glacier team was. Is there ever going to be a chapter where we get to see the old members of Glacier team interact with Christina?

Also, Christina used the word 'selfishly' here again.

I wasn’t entirely stupid – I knew my chances of saving those sixty civilians from Rhodes, Northstar, and the US Army were somewhere between slim and nil. Numbers alone put me sorely on the lighter side of the scales. Consequently, the chances of me failing and dying while doing this were staggeringly high. I might not even be alive another six hours. The Reaper might be able to pull something like this off easily, but I was no legendary C.O.S. agent. I was just… me.

Actually, if Christina screws this up, she might give the civilians an even harder time. Say she gets shot and killed, but takes down a few soldiers with her. The remaining soldiers might get mad and vent their anger using the civilians as the punching bags. If Christina fails, she might bring even more suffering onto the civilians. This really is a quite selfish move indeed, especially considering that she doesn't really have a plan that I can even call sound. She's just going to wing it and hope it works.

Oh, but this is the only kind of selfish that I can get behind.

I've been saying that for a long time now. Wonder why?

For all the wrong I’d done, there were worse ways to live. Or die. If today was my last day alive, then maybe I’d lived long enough already.

-Rather irrelevant comments-

'Lived long enough already.' About a month ago, a close relative and friend of mine died. He was... I think twenty two, and he was murdered in his house. Malaysia isn't exactly a safe place to live in, especially in the towns that are faraway from the capital city. I didn't go to his funeral since I'm in Hong Kong and all that, but it did make me think about death. TV shows and anime and other forms of media portray death as something that is quick. The effects of someone dying passes by eventually, and if you don't think too much about it, you'll be able to forget it soon enough. If the person who died is someone you don't really give a shit about, then you'll be even less emotionally vested in their death. Death is something that doesn't get a lot of focus in stories, when I've recently come to realize that dying young is such a shitty thing. Dying in your forties or fifties is... Eh, to me. At the very least, you lived out forty or fifty years. Not bad. But dying when you're ten when you're in your early twenties, right after you finished school or just got a job and are just about to get into the real game of life? Man, that sucks. It makes me angry just thinking about dying young. Here, Christina says she's fine with dying young. She shouldn't be, and I'm glad that you had her think this again just so I could feel something for her. Undoubtedly, I'm sure that Christina's struggles here can be related to by some people, and I'm beyond happy that those line exists.

-Irrelevent comments over-

Next segment with Ian. My overall comment for this segment is, again, it reads weird. I'm sure there's reasons for the change - mainly because four weeks of writing one chapter tends to shift up styles a bit - so not gonna talk too much about it.

I suppressed a sigh of frustration. “She’d really go this far—?”

Here's an instance of what I found weird. This is probably the most stand out-ish case of weirdness from Ian's POV. Ian, to my knowledge, doesn't sigh in frustration. And if he ever does, it wouldn't followed up by this kind of comment. He's definitely a humorous guy, but not in this explicit sort of way. I think the word I'm looking for specifically for Ian in this chapter is 'inconsistent'. He shifts a bit too much compared to usual without much of a reason. There was a gradual shift in Ian's thinking from chapter 23 to 29 (I think starting from 23, I don't particularly remember) which I thought was well done, but again, it might be because this chapter took four weeks to complete, which is why Ian's character fluctuates from POV to POV. I can't even say it's because he's letting his split personalities take over. It doesn't read like that to me. Maybe a re-read will be due after I finish the epilogue.

As I walked past her, she scoffed. “You two are more alike than you think.”

I whirled halfway to glance at her. “We are not!”

“Oh yes, you are,” Genel said firmly. “You both try harder than either of you have to. You think you should do everything yourself, just like she does now.”

This instance works for me, however. Whereas before, Ian likely would've whirled around and maybe choked Genel (or any other form of domestic abuse, go pick one) for comparing him to Christina, he only glares at Genel. It's showing without explaining why he is doing things slightly differently now, and I like it. I think this works for me all of a sudden because it's Genel that's saying all of this. Genel's the ultimate big brain, using different strategies to get Ian to open up and change how he does things. I know Genel to be plenty observant about things - I'd say more observant than Ian is - so it makes sense that she chooses a direct confrontation with Ian this time, after noticing that he has, in some way, calmed down a little. Thus, she switches up her 'strategy' in dealing with Ian. It's good stuff.

Even still, I nodded at King. “I’ll take responsibility if this goes south. We’ll let C.O.S. Command know that… Knight made a call, and he made a bad one. None of you have to take this fall.”

First of, 'Even still' has the same meaning as 'regardless', so I automatically like this. Second, Ian hesitated for a moment before saying his callsign out loud.

My first thought when I saw his hesitation was 'He was going to say Reaper', but when I reread this part... I wonder if he actually wanted to say 'Ian', his own name. He's never called himself Reaper, and though he's never flamed anyone for calling him that (untrue, I do remember one instance of him doing so to.... King, or someone) I don't think he likes the Reaper callsign. He had no troubles introducing himself as Knight when he first met Christina, so why would he hesitate now? Was he finally about to open up and become a Human being, thus he was going to say 'Ian'? A slip of the tongue is what I'd like to see in the future. Seriously. What was he going to say?

I broke off abruptly, almost afraid of what I was about to say.

“—she’s still one of us. I’m not leaving one of ours to die.”

And there we go. Ian's taken that second step now. You know, despite me saying that Ian is inconsistently written here and there throughout this chapter, I am glad that Ian was able to reach a 'consistent' conclusion like this at the climax. It's... Wholesome, if nothing else.

"Well, you’re nothing if not consistent, Grim Reaper. I was halfway ready to be disappointed, but I see there wasn’t a need to be. All right, then. We’re with you.”

Why did I even type that. King just said it all for me.

Onto the next segment. Overall comment: this is the first time I've gotten confused by who I was following for a not insignificant amount of the segment. Maybe I was just dumb or wasn't focusing on the right things, but I legitimately was wondering if the POV was from Ian already at the procession or if it was Christina. I got my answer soon enough, but to eliminate potential dumbasses like me complaining about vagueness of your story on the internet, I recommend putting a name at the start of every segment to tell the readers who it is that we're following. Sort of like how I start off my chapters.

but still… these were no conditions for them to be outside.

Again, might just be me, but this sentence reads weirdly to me. I think 'this was no condition for them to be outside' might be better. I got tripped up reading this line for whatever reason.

Not much to say about this segment. It's relatively just story progression.

I do have things to say about Heimdall's POV, though.

Hornet pointed in the direction of the trucks. “Oh, Hayden didn’t tell you? Some of these girls and boys will end up being like you, Heimdall. I personally think Hayden’s wasting his time, but then again, I’m only a grunt when it comes down to it.”

Fuck yeah. I've been waiting for this. Expositionnnnnnnnn. Can't say I didn't expect this to be the reason why Northstar is taking prisoners, but I do have the same doubts as Hornet has in this chapter. The success rate of converting a regular Joe into a super soldier is awfully low. What is Hayden planning with super soldiers? A better Earth? Something villainous? Hell, is Hayden even the big boss? I genuinely don't know what the super soldiers are for... A forerunner project that leads into a bigger project? Kinda like how scientists experiment on lab rats first before moving onto Humans?

At least you didn't forget about the fact that Incursion is kind of still a Sci-Fi story and isn't just character drama. Though I have no problem with those kinds of stories, either.

Would the four other subjects existing currently have done a better job here had someone else been sent in Heimdall’s place?

Perhaps. Heimdall was, after all, relatively new to his status as a successful LATCHKEY subject. He did not feel remorse, nor helplessness, nor regret, nor shame at his recent performance in the field. All he knew was that the mission was not yet completed.

I like these lines a lot. It's just a nice, enjoyable flag raiser hinting at a possible redemption arc for not just Heimdall, but for the other super soldiers as well. Heimdall would have to learn how to deal with not being the strongest... Super soldier in the room when we eventually get the super soldier face-off. At the same time, the super soldiers might have to figure out how to become Human based off of that last line. I've talked about how much I enjoy plot arcs that revolve around 'Humanity'. Becoming more Human or becoming less Human is something that I think Heimdall has to deal with eventually, and based off of Hornet's biting words to Heimdall here, I hope Heimdall gets some love soon. If he's just some civilian Hayden picked off the streets of the US, then that means Heimdall didn't choose to be a super soldier voluntarily. Then he's not at fault he's a good boy

“Right,” I said in agreement. I’d given everyone on board a choice to back out of this suicidal move, and no one had backed down. It was impossible not to worry and wonder if I’d just sentenced everyone to the grave.

Here's another more prominent case of telling after the showing. Cut down on these types of things, and you'll find your chapters a lot shorter.

"ESSS (external stores support system) is green,” Goliath’s co-pilot reported promptly. “All sixteen Hellfire missiles are good to go. Bit overkill for just three Ospreys, if you ask me."

Hey, no brackets in any writing, ever. Besides, these sorts of details aren't needed if there's no purpose for it.

I realise that I haven't said much by way of the chapter itself. It's more technical than usual, eh? Apologies, but I suppose the review for this chapter is just so I can segment into the next chapter where things... Happen. It's a good enough chapter and all, but hearing about how tough it was for you to write this chapter made me look more in-depth about your writing style itself than anything else. Hopefully, you'll find something worthwhile in this review that can help you avoid writing slogs in the future.

Expect the next review to be out within 24 hours, even though I've already read the next part. I think I'll be behind my planned schedule.

Thank you for the good read, and hey, have a nice day!

-Niviradamus



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .