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Review #4585600
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Review of To My Queen  Open in new Window.
Review by NaNoNette Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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I read this with a specific eye to point of view confusion, but it all makes sense. I think you stayed perfectly in the third person omniscient narrator voice, so when the scene shifts to the queen, it is normal that we are in her thoughts. It helps that there is a change in setting as we see her pace in her quarters and then visit Roghash in prison.

What I found harder to follow was this part:

"He glanced behind him with an ominous grin to Sir Mikali, who led a pale, dirty man in chains with a swirling wind symbol on the shackles. He locked eyes with the man breathing in his panic, wafting it to his nose. His chest, shoulders, and arms burning hot, lighting the path in front of them.
They stopped in front of an iron door. Sir Mikali pushed the man inside to the ground. “Any last words traitor?” The words rolled out of the king's mouth with greedy expectancy, as he pulled back his hood revealing himself. The man’s eyes widened. After the shock passed he quickly spat out, “Cuttorium Faca-!” The man was engulfed in flames. The room filled with the smell of burning flesh, and echoing agony. The haunting sounds of victims passed."

In this part, there seems to be some traveling between settings, but it's not clear where to. The iron door hints at some sort of execution room, but later on Roghash gets moved again. The underlined part made me think the king had killed Roghash, but then it turns out he didn't.

In terms of point of view between characters, this piece is on point though. I like the "angry" writing from the king's emotions. That part works well for this chapter. It really brings up emotions in me, the reader, which is what you want. So, don't change the angry tone as it fits the scene. Same as the tone you have when the queen is the main protagonist has a different feel to it.

*Fire* Annette *Fire*
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