Hi K5Rakitan ,
I just finished reading "Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 16" , and would like to share my thoughts. At your request, I read the latest chapters. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts from reading your work. Please use anything you find useful and discard the rest. I am learning more from your writing than I could ever share. Thank you for sharing!

Overall Impression: WOW. So, um. WOW. Okay, now that that is out of my system, I'm blown away with these two chapters. Continuing to merge and mingle the various religions is not an easy task, but you do it well.

Theme: This particular section is based in the Church during Mass. I thought this was a good choice since it is supposed to be the closest the faithful get to god.


Setting: There is not a lot of description of the building. From experience, I know that most Catholic churches are very ornate, especially on the inside. Just my preference, but I think elevating the building through a detailed description might make the story seem more wonderous here.

Conflict: Father John was great. He exhibited what I would expect in this situation. Well done.


Climax: The flames and statue coming to life for a conversation threw me to the edge of my seat. Love it! I did have to go back to the previous couple of chapters and re-read them. The reason is that I thought I'd missed some great advancement in the magic skills. It seems to me they went from Joan barely understanding and learning about her magic skills, to suddenly everyone can fly and do amazing things. I think a bit more lead up would help. This area made me feel like I'd missed an episode of a favorite show and I went looking for it to fill in the blanks. Perhaps more of a discovery or increase in skills in the previous chapters, or some way to lead me (the reader) to understand that they have been testing and increasing their magic skills so I'm not so surprised when they fly off for lunch.


Characters: I love how you create and build your characters, also introducing new ones that are possibly going to take a prominent role.


Dialogue: The mind-dialogues are awesome. The first time Joan communicates with the Priest is priceless.


Flow: See the section on Climax for notes on the flow.


Grammar and Mechanics: Flawless as always.


Suggestions: Other than those in the Climax section, I have no other suggestions. Great read!!!!


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

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William Stafford




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .