Hi,

I came across your item, liked what I read and would like to share my thoughts about it.


Plot: Mrs. Jenkins sits at the hospital, waiting for a straining treatment, watching her fellow patients while she's waiting, especially another patient who's brought with him a little girl. The two ultimately bring some good humor into the depressing setting and rip Mrs. Jenkins out of her own sad thoughts.


Style/Voice: 3rd person, Mrs. Jenkins POV


Setting: Hospital waiting room.


Characters:

Mrs. Jenkins comes across as a strong woman who valiantly endures the lot fate dealt her. But deep down she worries what will happen to her family should she not survive, it making her weary. The meds are causing her great pains and it's not sure the ordeal will end to her luck. Yet, it's also her family who fuels her desire to make it through and live, despite the odds. Although she and her fellow patients could be allies against their mutual enemy, Mrs. Jenkins is rather glum and feels not connected to them, like a lone island in a cancerous storm. It's the little girl and her uncle also waiting for treatment that finally evokes that camaraderie in her and her fellow patients, and lifts her mood in the face of tragedy.

Mrs. Jenkins family, only broached though, comes across as close-knit and determined to do everything to help their wife, mother and grandmother through her ordeal. They undergo great physical and emotional efforts to make her the most comfortable she can be during her treatment.

Mr. Thompson is quite a cheeky old sport and his humor shines through when he fools about with the little girl. He and his wife must have kids and grandkids to practice.

The little girl is such a charming little thing that it's almost sad that she doesn't have a name. Like a shining light in that dull place she lights up the adults waiting for their treatment, having no inhibitions yet to speak freely and unfiltered to other adults. The saddest thing about her is revealed in the end... yet she sets a great example for the concerned adults, gluing them all together to a pack fighting the invisible enemy.



Grammar: Beware! Below I've pointed out, corrected things and made suggestions based on how I would've put things. However, I'm ESL, so you might not agree with everything.


... 3rd treatment ... - I would've written third
... couple seats down... - couple seats down the row
... at the front checking in. - front desk
3 yrs old... - three-years-old I wrote it like you, too, but was quickly "cured" from it.
Then(comma out of the blue...
... all the while making sounds...
Uncle Bob got out of his seat and walked over You slid into the present briefly. to Mr. Thompson.
"... back her cat!" (no comma) he said.
So Mr. Thompson obediently (no comma)...
"Okay, I will..."
... expression on the peoples' faces...


Don't worry if that looks like much. It's fixed in a minute. I'm just a terrible nitpicker.



Personal Opinion: That was a bittersweet little story. Bitter for the adults involved, and sweet because of the girl. Even sadder it was to realize that the girl was ill, not her attendant.

Mrs. Jenkins struck a chord in me. I really rooted for her. So my dad must have felt deep inside during his treatment. Also he suffered all Mrs. Jenkins suffered from, and it was sometimes tough on us - mom and me - too.

However, at the hospital, my dad was rather an "anti-Mrs.-Jenkins". I will never forget when he and I first entered "our" waiting room. There was only another couple waiting, a man and a woman. Rather gloomy me and them exchanged glances and greeted each other before they looked away in consternation.

My dad though sat down on the seat right opposite of the couple and said, "Hello, I'm Wilhelm Zimmerer. You can call me Wil. I have prostate and bone cancer. This is my first treatment and I'm scared silly." Then he bent forward and reached out his hand.

The woman looked at it like it was a cobra or something, but the man visibly relaxed and shook my dad's hand. "I'm Pierre Heisbourg," he said in German (he was a Luxembourger, that's the country neighboring Germany where I live) "and this is my third time. I have pancreas cancer."

"Poor sap," my dad replied in his typically direct manner, and Pierre laughed. From then on, they were allies in their battle against the invisible enemy, and even incorporated many other fellow patients into their forced companionship, which made it easier for both the "experienced" and the "newbies" to endure their fate.

That's also something cancer can do.

Thanks for sharing this sweet vignette.


Don't forget that I'm just someone voicing her opinion. You know best what's best for your story.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .