Hi Angel -

This is a review for the

FORUM

The Lodestar Contest  (13+) Looking for a guiding light. Monthly short story rounds from July through December. #2130938 by Satuawany

Part 3.

Please keep in mind these are just my opinions and they carry only the weight you give them!

Overall Impression: A great first draft and excellent use of the prompt! With a only a little flushing out it will be a wonderful short story.

Spelling/Grammar: I found only a couple of spelling/grammar errors for you to consider:

1. In this section - Eileen realised was standing by - you may want to insert "she" before "was".

2. In this section - ‘I phoning you about - you may want to change "I" to "I'm".

Readability: I love that you gave both women's perspective it gave the story more depth. For me it would make it a lot easier to differentiate between the two women if you used a different line break instead of just a space, like a dotted or solid line.

Suggestions: In this section - preventing it from being expelled across the counter - it sounds like the cup wants to vomit that coffee , you may want to use "spilled" instead.

Write on!

Thanks much,
Lovina




Your work was rated using the guidelines from:

Comment-In-A-Box  (E) My view on and methods of rating items on Writing.Com. #544247 by The StoryMistress

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .