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A review by iguanamountain "WYRM"  member of {A group for those dedicated to writing and reviewing speculative fiction..

Leap
by Sumojo

Hello Sumojo,
This is a review for Part 3 of Lodestar Contest based on your story from
Part One Idea by Angel. Angel
[A young boy, fifteen years of age dares his fourteen-year-old cousin to jump off Craggy Rock, a dangerous place they are all warned about. Rocks lie below in several places; raging waters from a waterfall close by make currents strong enough to suck a person under and drown.
After some persuading, the boy's cousin decides to go for it, but after jumping he disappears:
1. Is he dead?
2. Has he been washed downstream and pulled out by someone?
3. Has he time jumped partway down?
4. Has he disappeared into an alternate reality?]
This is a different kind of review because of the contest requires that the reviewer pay attention to how the stories are built around the ideas in Part One.

>>> . . . down to the river.” Sean suggested.
Should be a comma after 'river' for the dialogue tag.

>>> The boys were soon on their bikes. They made sure they were quiet when they left.
Notice the use of 'were' in both sentences. Change the order of words to make active voice.
>>> Soon on their bikes, the boys made sure they made a quiet exit.

>>>The sun was beating down, and soon sweat was pouring down their red faces.
Double use of 'was' and 'down' in the same sentence, makes passive.
>>>Soon, sweat poured down their red faces from the hot sun.

>>>Torrents of water tumbling down a steep terrain,
Torrents of water tumbled down the steep terrain,

>>>They threw their bikes onto the grass and lay panting. Ben was laughing after the exhilarating ride and turned to look at his friend, but soon realised he wasn’t joining in. There were tears mixing with the sweat.
Re-think the double 'was-wasn't': I don't usually paste an entire paragraph, but wanted to show a more immediate version:
>>>They threw their bikes onto the grass and lay panting. Ben laughed after the exhilarating ride and turned to look at his friend, who did not join in, as tears mixed with his sweat.

>>>He ran down the grassy bank and dived into the water.
I note that he still has his clothes on. Later they dry off, so clothes went somewhere?
ALSO note that your original idea has more detail about the location including a waterfall and dangerous rocks and a strong current. The water Sean dove into had more risks.(?)

>>>The boys dried themselves and slipped their shoes on before climbing the steep path to the top of the cliff.
I hope they were swiming with shorts on. Otherwise???

>>>He turned to leave, felt a hand on his arm and then Sean was gone.
A shocking moment. Does Ben turn back to see Sean jump off? I think there is an emotional few seconds that's missing during the time that Sean is falling. Initial reaction OR he doesn't turn back fast enough and Sean has disappeared that would be a slightly different reaction.(?)

>>>The scared boy ran down the path to the water’s edge. (distancing)
Scared, Ben ran down the path to the water's edge. (Be with him) what's he feeling/thinking while he's running? This is a powerful moment.

>>>He went to the place where Sean had gone in to the river and dived in.
I don't think you can say, 'went to the place' because it's out in the deep water, Ben will have to swim out. This feels incomplete. First, he heard him hit the water, but didn't see exactly where. He's going to swim and dive so what about his clothes and shoes? Is he panicked? Is he looking close to the cliff? How far out could he have fallen? Where he hit is a guess. (?) The idea of dangerous water and a strong current would make more tension/drama.<that's me thinking.

>>>It was as bad as he thought it was going to be.
Learn to spot sentences like this double 'was.' The subject 'it' doesn't help. Probably all of the next paragraph: >>>Whose idea was it to climb the cliff? Would be a better way to start this sequence and start it with something like: They hit him with worse questions than he expected and relentless. "Whose idea . . . Let Ben be inside the interrogation, it's his experience.(?)

>>>All of their friends were questioned.
All of Ben and Sean's friends were questioned.

>>>Sean’s girlfriend informed her parents that she’d found out she was pregnant . . .
Somehow you need to keep this in Ben's POV. Either he heard it at school, or maybe his mom heard it from Sean's mother. Something direct. Now we know the probable reason.

Sydney 2005
For Reader understanding, this is a late in the story for a change-of-POV-character. It is best to begin the new sequence with that character identifiable very first. Simple fix:

“Time to move on, mate." The homeless man felt himself ushered out of the doorway by a police officer. "Take your stuff, people are trying to get into the shop. Don’t forget your bag.”

>>> the police officer it held out.
the police officer held it out. (good place for dialogue about/with this young man who is lost.)(help to fill in backstory for time jump)

>>>. . . where he found a place to sit amongst a crowd of others. Down and outs like himself.
. . . where he found a place to sit amongst a crowd of other down and outs like himself.

>>>. . . no sight of his body which was thought . . .
Needs a comma after 'body.'

>>>There was a picture of a handsome young man . . .
He studied a picture of a handsome young man . . .
Five-year old clippings. Does he have regrets. Drugs used now? (?)

>>>He wondered if his girlfriend went through with having the baby. He shook his head in disbelief he could be a father of a five-year-old.
Just a couple tiny changes:
He wondered if his girlfriend went through having the baby. He shook his head in disbelief that he could be a father of a five-year-old.

>>>He didn’t care, his family were here, on the streets. His only concern was his next fix.
The disintigration of Sean is sumarized in two short sentences. I think you need some details about addiction and what it does to mental abilities. At this point he is transformed and so we find out at the very last moment without real justification. Is there pain about what he's done. Obviously he cares, because he kept the news clippings. He escaped from responsibility with a deliberate action. Can he do it again by actually killing himself or leave us with that intent?

FINAL COMMENT: The story is strong until we hit the homeless man, who has lost his way in five short years. You jump into his POV without any backstory. A scrambled conversation with a healthcare worker or a police man could reveal some detail. Homeless people always have a story. What is Sean's story? What did he run from? Responsibility, parent anger, enormous self-doubt? There need to be something to balance the trama that Ben has been through, and is the bulk of the story. What happens if they were to meet again? (?)
OR Ben comes looking for him and learns that Sean has died from overdose, or?
Much potential here to find a way! Give it another shot for a stronger ending.
Best, Gale

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .