Item Reviewed: "A mistaken identity"   by nat
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

This item consists of the opening chapters to a longer work. At 5500 words, it's longer than what I ordinarily review for "Crosstimbers Review Forum" , so I read and commented only on the first chapter. If you want me to read subsequent chapters, please feel free to submit them, bearing in mind the 4000 word limit for "Crosstimbers Review Forum" .

                                                             
What I liked best
This story introduces us to a protagonist who has made a dreadful mistake that resulted in the death of a close friend and grave injury to another. She's trying to cope with the consequences, with the assistance of her psychiatrist. By the end of the first chapter, we learn of her remorse, her failed attempts at reconciliation with the family of the victim, and that her therapist is protecting a confidence that he cannot reveal to her. This sets up good tension for your opening, introduces a flawed but credible character, and gives her goals, stakes, and obstacles. From the standpoint of plot and character, this is an excellent start!!!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

I have a couple of minor comments here. First, I don't think we ever learn the name of the female protagonist. I strongly recommmend you give us her name in the first sentence if at all possible. Knowing her name will help readers identify with her and sympathize with her plight.

Second, it's usually not a good idea to start with dialogue. Instead, it's better to first establish the point of view (more on point of view in a moment). That way you can orient the readers as to who is *hearing* the speech, which helps to draw them into the fictional world.

You do a pretty good job with answering the other basic questions (who, what, when, where, why, etc) that are needed to launch a coherent story.

                                                             
Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything. In the line-by-line remarks below, I've tried to flag the various places where the point of view hops between characters.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

So, my primary recommendation for this chapter is to use the female protagonist for the point-of-view character. In terms of revisions, this is fairly minor. For example, instead of saying the attending physician saw something, describe WHAT she saw directly and then have her react (maybe her eyes widen, or she snaps out commands) that confirm that she saw it. All the places that I flagged should be revised to stay in the single point of view of the female lead.

I know it's a pain to revise, even in so modest a way as I suggest, but it will pay off in big dividends in terms of drawing the readers into your fictional world.

A second comment here deals with flashbacks. These can be an author's friend, but are hard to do in a first chapter. They work better in later chapters once the readers know your characters and their world. Also, to avoid confusing readers, it's important to have clear transitions from the fictional present to the fictional past. I noticed that initially we seemed to wobble a bit between the fictional present and the fictional past, so I'd avoid this, too.

Actually, what I'd recommend instead of the flashback is to START with the protagonist leaving the club, taking the keys, etc. I'd proceed in a linear fashion through the accident, the 911 call, the ambulance trip, the ER, and her waking in her room with Jason. The whole scene, from the drunken departure from the club to the ER, is a really powerful sequence and I think it would be stronger yet if you used it to launch the novel, so we'd see it evolve in the here-and-now of the characters rather than a flashback.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Your hook appears to be a goal, but could readily be reframed as a decision or a dilemma, either of which would be a little stronger. In any case, learning the aftermath of the accident is a good hook.

                                                             
Characters
Both the female protagonist and Jason are well-conceived characters. Despite her flawed decisions, the female lead is sympathetic and readers will want to cheer for her.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of my comments, especially those on point of view and the flashback, flow from the idea of the fictional dream. This refers to a technical aspect of craft, but it's still an important consideration. You have strong characters, a really strong plot, and a good hook. Tweaking this for more focused point of view and linear timelines would make the "fictional dream" stronger and thus build on the strengths you've already got.

Thanks for sharing, and do keep working on this novel!! It's concept is great, and the characterizations are excellent.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
b}As she put her head down her eyes welled up with tears. And her mind went to earlier that morning.My Comment: This appears to launch a flashback.

"You are dead to me!" She felt her body crumble from a heavy force that shook her whole being and passed out. Then she woke up back in the cell.My Comment: What appears to be a very brief flashback seems to end when she wakes “back in the cell.”

Tires screeched to a stop.My Comment: Now we seem to be back in the flashback...

Adam turned back to see the young guy half dazed, "You better hang on!" He yelled.My Comment: We’ve been in the female protagonist’s head up to this point, but here we hop into Adam’s head since we’re told what he sees.

"Adam! Adam!" She saw his lifeless body on the ground.My Comment: Now we’re back in the female protagonist’s head since we’re told what SHE sees.

She went to grab her cell in frantic, My Comment: in frantic...what? maybe in a frenzy?

Her knees buckled as she dropped to the floor. My Comment: So is she still inside the car? In my mind’s eye, she was still outside, having recovered her phone from the back seat.

A hand touched her lifeless body. She tried desperately to wake up but she couldn't. She just felt a sharp pain in her left side. My Comment: Several places you report what a character “felt,” “heard,” or otherwise sensed. This is a subtle form of telling. It’s better to first establish the point of view. Once the readers are inside the head of the POV character, then anything on the page is something they have sensed. In this case, it’s almost always more immediate and intimate to describe the sensation directly. You do exactly this in the first sentence where a hand touches her body. But in the last sentence, you tell us what she felt. It would be stronger to just say, “A sharp pain gripped her left side.” If you’re in her head, readers will infer she “felt” the pain. Indeed, that little step of inference helps to draw readers into her head and hence into the story. Also, the pain becomes an active element of the narrative when it “grips” her side.

The doctor exhaled deeply and was about to call it when she heard a soft beepMy Comment: Hops to the doctor’s head where we learn what she was about to do and what she heard.

As I think about this, you could end a scene with the female protagonist losing consciousness in the ambulance. You could then start a new scene with the physician in the ER, maybe drinking coffee or something when the ambulance arrives. Doing the entire ER scene in the physician's POV might work, except that I have the impression that the physician won't again appear. If Jason is on staff at the hospital and somehow learned she was hurt, you could use him as the POV character, observing the physicians work on her.

Just a thought. The point is you can have mulitple POV characters in your novel, but just one per scene.

Jason sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his neck gently brushing past his sandy blond hair and then moving across and down towards his face. "So what did you tell the officer?"My Comment: this appears to be the end of the flasback.

Flashes of how she got out of the club twirling and dancing. My Comment: More flashback in this paragraph

"It's okay, it's okay, you can't fight it, you have to let it play through and take its course."My Comment: For the rest of the chapter we appear to be in the fictional present, except it’s not the present of the opening paragraphs. In the opening paragraphs, Jason references “this morning” as the time of the accident, while in these ending paragraphs the accident appears to have happened a year ago.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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Thoughts on Writing  (NPL) Short essays on the craft of fiction. #1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .