I discovered you and your story on the Please Review forum. I was intrigued by your post, the title of your chapter, and the item description. I was even more intrigued by the layout of the chapter and the opening quote, and I am simply enchanted by your writing. My mind is blown! Give me just a second to fan you!

Probably the first thing I noticed was your use of onomatopoeia, which I think was brilliant. I've experimented with it some in my own writing, and I was excited to see another writer using it as a device, too. Even apart from onomatopoeia, your soundscape is awesome. Both times you referenced the "low whirl" as the dragon moved its head added so much to my experience of those scenes.

The second thing I noticed was the sheer amount of motion in every one of your scenes. I love this! Your success in propelling a scene through vibrant movement encourages me as a writer who believes in and is still practicing the use of motion, so thank you for that.

You display very strong word choice, from the nouns right down to the verbs. You don't show any fear of varying your language, and yet you don't overwhelm the text by trying too hard. Your choices are effective and feel totally natural. I feel that this is one of the hardest things to master as a writer. Excellent work!

Your dialogue plays right along with your description, neither one in competition with one another. Descriptive details are given in the midst of the action, which is ideal for my reading preferences. Reading this chapter was effortless and thoroughly enjoyable. You drop the reader right into the middle of the action and string them along right to the very end. I enjoyed every word.

Your scenes progressed and played into each other really well; all felt smooth, without any rough edges. You do a really good job of writing each scene so that I understand the immediate details of what I'm seeing while leaving the broader questions still burning in my mind. You never lost my interest at any point in the chapter; you made me feel even more curious by introducing another mysterious character at the end. And that final spoken line of the chapter was simply awesome.

I also really appreciated the bit of humor as Kara checked in with Ganyu, commenting on his "dumb vocabulary." Humor is a hard thing to insert into a scene, at least I think so, but you made it look not too difficult here.

I always try to find at least one thing to suggest that would have made my reading experience even better, but alas, I could find no complaints or even anything that I feel like I'm missing out on. This was such a cool read, I plan to watch for the next one.

Thank you for sharing this amazing chapter!

Write on!

~Lynn

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .