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 Review #4619390 |
  Greetings, hbk16, I am reviewing this today as a judge for the "Writing 4 Kids-CLOSED till Spring" . First of all, my reviews are intended to be helpful and encouraging, not hurtful in any way. Use what you feel works for you, and leave the rest. Visually appealing Easy to understand Followed the prompt & rules Conflict Lisa has been invited to spend a month at the sea shore with others from her school who are at the top of her class. Once she is on the beach, she hides near a rock beneath a palm tree while the others are swimming. She is dressed in long sleeves and long pants and feels cold. Emily pulls on her shirt, trying to persuade Lisa to go swimming, but then notices Lisa's skin and backs away. You leave the reader with questions at the end of this chapter and the reader wants to read the next chapter to find out what's wrong. You have hooked the reader!   Characters: Lisa (main character), teacher, parents, and Emily (so far) Dialogue: You have a well-balanced amount of dialogue.  Setting: Mostly at the sea shore, so far. Children are enjoying themselves, except for Lisa, who is hiding beneath a palm tree for reasons we will learn in the next chapter. Technicalities:I noticed you use a semi-colon [;] in place of a comma [,] throughout your chapter. A few examples: Lisa; a young girl of ten and that gets a blond strawberry complexion; red hair; and blue eyes; becomes suddenly sad. "Congratulations; my love;" "Sorry; Lisa; I do not want to offend you. But you may be contagious and I should talk with our supervisor"; Emily replies. A few other suggestions... Paragraph 1: It will be fun. Isn't it ?"  It will be fun, won't it ?"Paragraph 3: "I am afraid not be able to swim "I am afraid I'll not be able to swim Paragraph 3: her mother adds and hugging her. her mother adds, hugging her.Paragraph 5: She goes running to search for her parents losing completely her mind. She runs to search for her parents, completely losing her mind. Favorites:She is afraid that her body will be touched by the sun's rays or that one part of her frail tabby skin will be unveiled.  Final thoughts: You have captured my attention and I would definitely read more to find out what is going to happen next! I also like your title very much along with your title cover. Best of luck in the contest! Have a great day and...  K e e p on W r i t i n g ! Cubby ")
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You responded to this review 07/14/2021 @ 4:51pm EDT