I was invited to read this piece and offer my critique.

Some initial impressions: this is a short piece but there is an attempt to showcase two distinct viewpoints. In shorter stories, it can be more impactful to focus on one character’s point of view rather than getting in the head of multiple people.

I would suggest altering it so Emily Rose is the main character and narrator. Describing her observations and feelings when she sees Jacob for the first time, and how she feels about what he relates to her about his past could work better than just letting us read that for ourselves. It could also help the reader relate better if she was sharing her own past experiences and having trouble doing so. “She sobbed slightly, her throat catching. When Jacob leaned in to pat her shoulder and whisper coos of encouragement in her ear, she calmed, not having realized how much she’d been trembling.”

If you do want to keep two points of view, adding distinct separators in the text can be helpful when switching between narrators. A string of asterisks or dashes act as wonderful transitions in short stories as they help display a point of view has shifted, a span of time has passed, or the characters are in a new location. I know there are distinct section breaks which help carve up the story somewhat, but allowing the focus to be from one perspective can help.

Let’s look at the sexual violence. One phrase really jumped out at me and I imagine it might sit the same with other readers as well: Emily talks about having had three abortions and being raped twice. From the point of a view of man nearing 40, it feels to me like every sexual encounter Emily had as a younger person was a form of rape. Claiming only 2 of her encounters where unwanted feels like a great disservice to her character.

Of course, the final scene is sexual in nature as well, and I don’t know enough about that particular fetish to ultimately comment on it with any authority. I can say it didn’t seem believable to me, and it also came out of nowhere. Jacob never mentioned he enjoyed the fetish when discussing his past, or even where he first learned how to do it (he sounds like he has enough experience to rig himself up with the ceiling fan, even if Emily wasn’t present). He also talks about being tired of “being afraid” and, again, the act he asks her to participate in doesn’t sound like something he’s been afraid of before. It would be different if we were shown a moment in his past where he was attempting to climax using autoerotic asphyxiation and then became too scared at the last moment and wasn’t able to finish. But, again, I am not an expert in this area so can only share my personal thoughts as a reader on the matter.

In the middle of the story, Jacob lashes out at Emily after complimenting her apparent massage skills. It causes concern and worry for her, but from the reader’s perspective, I don’t feel like it’s a normal response, either. He appears to be enjoying himself up to this point and as far as we know, Jacob has more “daddy issues” than anything and doesn’t appear to have ill-will toward sex workers. He comments that he prefers the the “chase”, to put it simply, but he doesn’t appear to think negatively of prostitutes, just of the people who frequent them.

In the end, I can’t say I enjoyed the story insomuch as I see it as a rough draft for a more compelling piece of fiction. Of the two characters, Emily Rose is the more interesting. Everything describing Jacob’s life up to that point sounds like Hollywood clichés which would only be made more noteworthy if we were allowed to spend more time with individual moments rather than be given a summary of his climb and the one meal with his dad. While Emily’s life is much more tragic and her morals questionable, she is the stronger person that a reader has a better chance of “rooting for”.

Ordinarily, I am willing to spend a great deal of time going through possible grammar and tense problems, but since I see that as a rough draft and nothing close to a finished story, I will not do that. I will encourage you to take another hard look at your work here and make a decision on what you’re really trying to put forth here.

Thank you for sharing your writing with me, and good luck with future endeavors.

Than Pence

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .