Hi, Lurie:


Because it's Superpower November Review Raid time, I took the freedom to pick your story for review to offer you my input. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
The three basic elements of a short story have been satisfied here. It has a beginning, middle, and ending. It can sparkle, sizzle and dazzle if the Point of View, Conflict, and Climax are more detailed and defined.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and all the nitty-gritty in formal writing is concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking and fixing for clarity and readability:

Pearl was going home from market. On her way back, she saw her husband with a young lady who was almost around her age. [These two sentences sound awkward the way it is written. Try to revise them into a chronological order to make them sync. Perhaps something like this:

Pearl went to [the] market one day. [As she was leaving,] she saw her husband with a young lady who was almost around her age.

Her sister had always told her to keep an eye on the husbands but till now she had never taken her advice seriously. [I understand what you are implying here but it does not fit well. How many husbands does Pearl have to keep an eye on? All and any husband or her own in particular?

You might want to fix this by saying, "Her sister had always told her to keep an eye on her husband..."]

[The][Next] [next] day her sister, Jane[,]called her.[Enclose a proper noun with commas, if the sentence can stand completely without it.]

Listen calmly and just think carefully upon it." [she][Delete]

"It is like this[.....]I went to a mall today and there I saw Ryan...maybe I confused that man with our Ryan but he looked very similar. I...I..."
[See Uses of Ellipsis}

Uses of Ellipsis
Let me share with you what I learned about ellipsis. It might help you understand and minimize its use just as it did me.

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational devices composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.)
Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.
If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.
If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence.(THIS IS THE ONLY TIME FOUR DOTS ARE USED IN ANY ELLIPSIS.)No blank space will precede the period.

If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

[Punctuations at the end of a quotation and attributions:
IN THESE TWO EXAMPLES BELOW, THE COMMA TAKES THE PLACE OF THE PERIOD AND IT HAS TO BE INSIDE THE CLOSE QUOTATION MARK.]

1) "I am just reminding you to take care as men nowadays aren't faithful enough[.",] Jane added.
2) "Please keep the phone now. I am not in a mood to talk to you today[.",] saying this Pearl threw the phone on the bed.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. All you need to do in this area is to pay particular attention to how punctuation marks are used in dialogues.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
What a tragic outcome from an idle talk. I call it "idle talk" because Jane had no proof or evidence in getting an unsubstantiated suspicious scene out to her sister. It is pure tattle-telling. This is worse than just a small misunderstanding. It is a grave danger that one must avoid by all means.

At any rate, keep writing and revising. Like published authors say, "writing is revising."







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .