%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4648689 |
 | The Key to It  [E] microfiction challenge week 4  |
| (4.0)| Hi, Pumpkin Spice Sox ! Overall Thoughts First impressions and general/developmental feedback. Hello! I'm here to review your microfiction story as a fellow participant in "I Write: Enter the Second Decade" . I'm always impressed by stories that somehow manage to communicate complete ideas in 100 words or less!— Character/Plot/Pacing: It's not easy to communicate a lot in 100 words, but I was able to pick up a decent amount of information. Your first person narrator lives in a world where people can change time if they're in possession of the key and pocketwatch that allow for it. The narrator has the key but needs the watch, but when he/she obtains the watch, the key has disappeared, thwarting their goals. I thought it was clever that you used "key," "watch," and "time" in more than one sense in the story! ("Never mind the why. The key is the how." "I have watched the keeper." "Now it is time to change time") I thought that was nice and clever, but it had a mild side-effect of making the repetition of those three words throughout the story feel a bit dizzying.  Digging a little deeper:Line comments—sentence-level and scene-level feedback.  Time, ticks away, lost forever. — The comma after time is unnecessary and can be removed. Subjects should not be separated from their predicates with commas in sentences like these.Never mind, the why. — The comma is unnecessary here and can be removed.Unless you have a key and the watch it unlocks. Without both you have nothing. I have the key. I need the watch. — This is a fascinating concept! If you wanted to save words in order to add extra context and emotion to the story, I think this could be condensed, since the context already makes it clear that "without both, you have nothing." (If you wanted to save more words, you could use the occasional contraction to give yourself more space! Examples: There is a moment  There's a moment — I have watched I've watched Now it is time Now it's time. Those are just if you want to, though, little places you could save if you had anything else you wanted to add to the story.)I have watched the keeper. I know her moment of weakness. I steal the watch. Now it is time to change time, but somehow I have lost the key. — This is super subjective and safe to ignore, especially given all the work you've done to tell a story in 100 words! To me, the shift between planning and execution of the plan (stealing the watch) feels a bit sudden. If you saved those five or so words by condensing the sentence above, I think it could be cool to use them here, perhaps to provide transition between preparation and theft or an emotional reaction to the disappearance of the key. Alternatively, it might be useful to just start a new paragraph with the "I steal the watch" line, since the direction of the story is shifting so drastically. Summary Thoughts:Thanks for sharing! It's very impressive to me that you crafted a whole fantasy world and told a story in 100 words. Write On!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 02/21/2022 @ 10:12pm EST