Laura,

This is a good beginning for your story.

I assume you want the full-blown editor's critique. Well, ready or not, that's what you're getting! Seriously, my nits and suggestions are shown below. If they're helpful, good. If not, ignore me and I'll not be offended. You are the author, and the choices are yours.

A general suggestion, look carefully at the present/past tense of your character's thoughts and dialogue. Present tense may be more appropriate sometimes.


"Hey John", an older gentleman
the comma should be inside the quotation marks

I am thinking, "How did he know my name?" I walked over
consider using italics for internal dialogue: How does he know my name? I walked over

dressed in brown buckskins an kinda looked rough
should be 'and'

and who are you?"
missing quotation mark

The man looked at him, judging by the way he was looking at me, he probably thought I had lost my marbles.
consider: Judging by the way he was looking at me, the man probably thought

"Son, I do you not remember?"
delete the 'I'

"No I don't remember anything, he wasn't about to tell
missing quotation mark

it looked like you are headed where we are headed
consider 'looks'

He wasn't about to tell Sam, he had no idea.
delete the comma?

his long graying hair, blew in the wind
delete the comma?

the more the idea
consider 'the more I thought, the more the idea'


In my mind, I thought ugh oh, I need to be more careful and watch the way I talk,
         this is the 1800's after all. I hesitated
consider: Uh, I need to be more careful and watch the way I talk, this is the 1800's after all. I hesitated

acquaint himself with everyone, A beautiful
lowercase 'a'

tied back even though she wore a
consider: tied back, and even though she wore a

a bit tattered and layers
consider: a bit tattered and had layers
also, this paragraph has confusing switches between the 'he' and 'I' viewpoint

back of the wagon, spread the map out on the tailgate of the wagon
repetitive, consider: back of the wagon, and spread the map out on the tailgate

It looked to be a three of 4 days ride
'of' should be 'or'

One of the families I had noticed the woman was pregnant and looked to give birth sometime soon.
consider: One of the women was pregnant and looked ready to give birth sometime soon.

Sam must of reading my mind
consider: Sam must of been reading my mind

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .