Hi Jamin


It's clear you are very new to writing and great job for starting out. You've got a good idea about how a scene should play out and you'vemade a good attempt at engaging the senses. However, since you are so new to the craft, there is a lot you need to learn. Is English your second language? I ask because the writing is clunky. This is down to poor grammar and punctuation. There is also a limited vocabulary since a lot of the words are repeated. One of the best ways of capturing and holding readers, getting them immersed in the story, is down to writing technique. It is about good sentence structure and sentence variety, thoughtful word choices and imagery. The writing is the interface between the reader and the story and should have the effect of being transparent. Which means the reader should almost not notice it is there. It should flow in such a way that the reader is carried along hardly noticing they are reading.

The plot as I read it -

A man (Polo) walks into a bar. There isn't much in the way of description. I don't get a sense of the tone or atmosphere of the place. You have mentioned it is smokey and full of sweating men. Where is the smoke coming from and why are the men so hot? Polo sees some pictures of people and one of them makes him think about his father. Why?

He then spots the man he's looking for—the bartender—and goes up to him. The bartender is unsettled by his presence. Polo asks whether a woman with special abilities came into the bar the previous week. The bartender says no. Polo, for some unknown reason, laughs at him and accuses him of being paid off by the feds. The bartender denies it and then Polo pulls a gun on him. The barman is about to speak when a big guy comes from nowhere and knocks Polo off his feet. The big guy grabs Polo's gun, holds him down and phones the police. Polo passes out.


The point of view.

The exercise calls asks for a single point of view, either the first-person or third-person limited. The point of view in this scene shifts from Polo to Daniel to Patrick and back to Polo again.


Writing mechanics -


Polo marched into the pub, his hands grappling the door with sheer force, and slammed it back with a clap that sounded like thunder. The comma after pub is a comma splice causing a run-on sentence and should be a full stop (period). I don't know what is meant by grappling a door with sheer force. What does that entail exactly? How heavy is the door to the bar that it slams like thunder? It seems rather extreme.


All the drunken sweaty men inside, snapped their heads toward the sound to see Polo making heavy steps on the wooden floor. This sentence is clunky and the point of view reads like the author's (omniscient) rather than that of Polo. My suggested edit - The sound made the customer's heads turn.

Polo's eyes darted to each corner of the room, staring at the people who gave him a nasty look. How can his eyes dart around the room? Has he got magical eyes which can leave his head? Who are the people who gave him a nasty look?

The room was filled with intoxicating white smoke that burned Polo's throat and made him cough a good one. What is causing the intoxicating white smoke? And what does coughing a good one mean?


The dripping sweat on the men's faces looked like they had just come out of a sauna, but were only in fact in the Old Grove, a bar that allowed the white smoke to be puffed by stressed middle aged men. Why are the men so hot? The underlined clause is pure telling. The name of the bar should come earlier in the scene when Polo enters it. How does Polo know the men are stressed is he a mind reader?


In the corner, Polo observed that there were pictures of some men, who had faces of nausea and delusion spread across their red cheeks. This made Polo think about his father for just a second. The words Polo observed is author filtering or telling. Are the pictures paintings or photos? How can faces of nausea and delusion be spread across cheeks? How does Polo know these people are nauseous and delusional? Why do the pictures make him think of his father? How is that relevant to the action?

After his eyes navigated throughout the bar, Polo's eyes landed on the man he was looking for. Polo's disembodied eyes are magical!


A pale man in a leather jacket stood at the back of the bar, handing out cheap beers to the puffy men. No need for the comma and are the beers free since the man is handing them out? Who are the 'puffy' men? Where did they come from?

The man looked back at Polo, and his face contorted to an even greater shade of pale, if you could even call it a shade. Was the man's back turned? Contorted means to twist out of shape.

Polo smirked, and continued walking toward the bartender, his marching now turning into a graceful stride. That's a touch weird. Why would he do that?


When Polo got up to the counter, he rested his hands on top of the sticky wood, where hundreds of people had passed out. No need for the comma after counter. How big is the bar's counter if there are hundreds of people passed out along it?

"Can I help you sir?" the bartender asked, his voice letting out a little quiver(ed). Don't write more words than is absolutely necessary.

"Yeah, do you know a woman who might have had super abilities come into your bar at around 9:30 PM last Sunday?" Polo said, resting his eyes on the young bartender. Should be Polo asked since he's asking a question.

The bartender, who's (whose) name was Daniel Sudansky, started (broke in)to (a) sweat, "W-what sir?" Do readers need to know the bartender's name?

Polo, who's (whose} face was now grinning devilishly, repeated his statement. "Did you see a woman with special abilities walk into this dirty bar sometime last Saturday?" Who's is a contraction of "who is" ('Who's there?') or "who has" ('Who's got the time?'). Whose is a possessive adjective meaning "of or relating to whom."

The man choked on his words, "No, I don't think I saw a girl like that mister,(.) b(B)est you look somewhere else." The bartender - who's name was Daniel, as Polo figured out by the name tag on his shirt - quickly looked down at the sticky brown counter after he said those words.

Polo then laughed, "Ha! What did they tell you Daniel?" he asked. There is no need for a dialogue tag when there is an action beat attached to the dialogue.


"Bulls***, you're in this bar everyday (every day),(. Y)you witness everything, and my wife just happened to disappear while you were here. So where did they take her?" Polo pulled his handy Glock out, and aimed it in the direction of Daniel's chest. Every day is two words. A comma splice. So the woman he's looking for is his wife? Why didn't readers get that info earlier?

"I'm going to let you guess what happens if you don't tell me." he stated. This bit of dialogue belongs at the end of the previous paragraph since it is still Polo speaking. Only start a new paragraph when a different character speaks. There is a good reason editors suggest authors stick to using he/she said/asked 99% of the time. Too many -ly adverbs and words other than said (WIOS) such as he stated, she shouted, he growled, she simpered, he chuckled etc are noticeable and can throw the reader out of the story.

Daniel threw up his hands, and stared at Polo with deep worry, "Ok sir just put the gun down, we don't need to escalate the situation." This underlined section is telling. How does Polo know Daniel is deeply worried?


Polo aimed the gun even higher now, which caused the hairs on Daniels arms to stand straight up. "You've already escalated everything, I'm just reacting. Now, tell me." Polo demanded. Why does Polo aim the gun higher? What good will that do? How close are the two of them standing since Polo can see Daniel's arm hair? Or does Daniel have particularly hairy arms?

Daniel hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath before speaking. His mom had always told him to do that as a kid, he missed his mother right now. Daniel opened his mouth, but before he did, a big man came sprinting up to Polo and tackled him like a football player. //(new paragraph) Polo's whole body was swept back in such a sudden motion, that took him a second to realise what was happening. The two bodies thudded to the ground, the big man smothering Polo with all his weight. Polo's gun skidded across the floor and halted near the bottom of the counter. There is a switch here to Daniel's point of view. There is a hard and fast rule for multiple points of view in third-person limited - only one single point of view per scene. Do you mean - before Daniel could open his mouth?. The switch from Daniel to Polo requires a new paragraph.

"Get off of me!" Polo yelled, as he tried to free his way out of the man that was Patrick Wellis. How does Polo know the man's name is Patrick Wellis? Have they come to blows before?

Patrick did not move and did not budge. His training in Iraq had taught him the best way to hold down a threatening person, and he viewed Polo as one. Point of view shift and telling. Do readers really need to know he trained in Iraq? Patrick did not move and did not budge. This sentence is a tautology which means saying the same thing twice. If he's not moving then he's not budging.

Daniel grabbed Polo's gun on the floor, sweat pouring down his armpits.(?) He fumbled for his phone in his pocket, and dialed 911. // {new paragraph) Polo meanwhile, had stopped kicking and punching Patrick to get out of his grip, as he had been punched in the head by Patrick himself, causing him to slump forward and take a night(')s rest.? Does sweat pour down armpits? And why does Polo fall asleep and not pass out?


I hope this helps. I do think, though you need more writing practice before you can properly tackle this exercise since it is really meant for intermediate and more advanced writers rather than raw beginners. You need to learn grammar and punctuation, understand the different points of view and how to show the story (describe the events and action) rather than telling readers what's going on.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .