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Review #4661258
Viewing a review of:
 Come back Open in new Window. [E]
A Poem I wrote for a contest.
by Juliana Chu Author Icon
Review of Come back  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello Juliana Chu Author Icon. I’m reviewing you as a member of Super Power Reviewers,

Wow, this is not your typical structure for a poem. I find the message direct and to the point. Obviously it speaks to someone that the narrator no longer can connect with. In essence, we are asking questions of oneself that want to be answered but can’t know the answer to. Sometimes, it’s just about regret and remorse. Could another outcome have played out?

There are some poignant questions in "Come back" Open in new Window.. If you were to structure this in more of a straight line stanza format, you might be able to deliver those intimated feelings with a greater punch.

Starting from the open, I offer:

Here I am,
sitting on this bench. Solemnly wishing
to be with you again one day.
But it's passed,
and I'm here. Waiting, oh
waiting on you for the day.

When will I get the hope you portrayed?
Did you lie? Did you cheat?
Did you fumble? Just tell me.
Please, I'm waiting,
wishing upon that star.

If you won't come back,
I'll be waiting for you.
Wishing, waiting.
Ever so hopeful,
you'll come back one day.

The part about hope, I think is the climax of the poem for the narration before it ponders and then goes into summation.

I assume from my vantage, a reader needs to more clearly see those thoughts play out. Usually, when we ask a question, we pause between sentences to think about the answer, especially a narrator who is described in repose on this beach scene. You can help a reader feel their process, subtlety.

I had wondered at first about the common language. Restructuring the poem made me realize it’s importance. To get more connected, imagery and sensory are poetic tools that fill in what a reader could focus on when considering your great words, to intone its impact. The open mentions the beach…you have sand, surf, wildlife and human life, or lack thereof, that provoke this narration. Personally, I think hands touching warm sand sparks feelings, memories. It begs the question if this spot is significant in connection with the lost love? It could play a role.

Something more vivid, like imagery, and some other poetic devices help deliver the message more uniquely. In each verse, words can connect to the beach, covering senses of touch, hearing, smell, and visual to remembrances of taste? Each could weave through seamlessly, without interrupting the epiphanies like inner dialogue. Though, alone, possibly recited aloud.

To introduce lines, as I am feeling brown sand collect between my fingers… Or, in another stanza, something like, as seagulls drift and float away… Or, waves persistently heave and fall, crept back to turbulent surf at play… Obvious my words to illustrate how to introduce thought and put reader in scene. And don’t let all these thoughts clutter your process when writing. I find purging what’s in my mind first to add and edit later helps me realize first what I feel and second what provokes it, and maybe third, how I can better reveal it to prying eyes who can connect and possibly respond to a writer, as we essentially grow and learn about ourselves in this way.

Deep down, each of us is programmed to be sentimental or nostalgic over time. Poems like yours intone the feelings that exist within, where we need a writer to express for us thoughts and feelings we struggle to capture to put into words. I applaud you for this poem and it’s expression that can strike the arrow in the heart of a subject we all, at one time or another, wrestle with. And, it lets you know, you are not alone, especially in this community where we share our words in hopes of finding a deeper meaning and connection to others in an otherwise lonely existence on the internet.

A pleasure to have read and given consideration to your writing,

Brian

...For the Super Power Reviewers



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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 06/17/2022 @ 6:48pm EDT
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