Hi. Max here. First, my sincere apologies for my dilatory response to your review request. As I get older, I seem to have a harder and harder time with deadlines. In any case, I'm glad to have read this story, which I much enjoyed.

Item Reviewed: "The Mule Trainer"   by Daisan
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
The use of dialect is what really makes this story shine. I know I've written to you before about how masterful I find your work in this respect, but that doesn't change my admiration for the skill you've shown. That alone makes this story worth reading, and the homespun and humorous wisdom is an added plus.

                                                             
Opening
From your note, I realize that this is an extract from a larger work, so I'm confident that it has a lead-in that sets the scene.

From your comment, I have inferred that you want me to look at the quotes-inside-quotes parts of this, which leads me into a discussion of rules from the Chicago Manual of Style. That seems almost beside the point for the wonderful way this is written, but, on thinking about it (or over-thinking about it), I might have something useful to say on this topic. So,here, goes.

                                                             
Punctuation
I don't really have grammar comments--except admiration for the grammatical aspects of Lil Charles' dialect. However, I do have some technical commments on the typography of quotes-within-quotes, along with a suggestion or two.

When a character speaks in a story, the words he speaks are usually placed inside double quotes--as you correctly did. However, when the character's speech includes quoting someone else, this secondary quote-within-a-quotee should be enclosed in single quotes.

By way of example, here's your opening paragraph:


The three parts highlighted in purple are spots where you're quoting the farmer inside the larger speech by Lil Charles, so they should be enclosed in single quotes instead of double quotes (but see below).

However, there's the greem-highlighted text to consider. Initially when I read this, I took the double quote before ""Now" to be a typo. However, in retrospect, it's also reasonable to think that Lil Charles is quoting his father at this point. If that's the case, then a quote-within-a-quote would use single quotes, not double quotes, as noted above, so "Now should be preceded with a single quote, not a double quote: 'Now. You'd also need to end this extened quote-within-dialogue with a single quote at the very end of the paragraph, so it would read ...wouldn't move at all.'" [note the single quote, ending the father's speech, followed by the double quote terminating Lil Charles's speech]

That alternate reading, where we have a long internal quote from Lil Charles' father inside Lil Charles' dialgoue, would make the purple items nested inside the father's speech which in turn is nested inside Lil Charles' speech, i.e., triply nested quotes. If they are indeed triply-nested, then the rule would be to put them inside double quotes (per paragraph 13.30 in Chicago Manual of Style, which says to alternate between double and single quotes as nesting increases).

I'm kind of struggling to make this clear. But that's the point. The purpose of the punctuation is the make clear who says what. But once the nesting gets higher than two, it also gets confusing. The punctuation clues are easy to miss in casual reading, and readers can readily lose track of who is saying what.

So, my *advice* here is to avoid triply-nested quotes. I think readers can readily follow doubly-nested quotes, but triply-nested are probably a quote too far. The direct quotes about the directions to the mule, of course, are essential to the story and need to remain. We already know Lil Charles is repeating a story his father told him, so slight changes to his narrative can reinforce that without directly quoting his father. For example, if you replace "Now... in the green highlight with Seems..., it's clear that Lil Charles' is relating the circumstances of his father's story.

Whew. I hope that was clear, along with my reasoning for what amounts to a one-word change and some minor typographic tweaks.

Now on to another comment and suggestion. Let's look at this paragraph.



This is really awesome writing, and I wouldn't change a single word. But...it kind of strings together, making it a little hard to read. This is all Lil Charles' speaking, relating the story, and he's doing so in marvelous dialect which adds enormous and subtle shading to the whole.

But it might be helpful to break it up a bit. Ordinarily, when a new person speaks, we'd start a new paragraph. The problem here is that this is all Lil Charles' speaking, but he's quoting more than one person as he speaks. I don't think there's a specific "rule" for this circumstance, but for clarity, you might break Lil Charles' dialogue into paragraphs as new characters speak within his telling of the story. If you do this, then each paragraph within the extended dialogue would start with a double quote, but only the final paragraph of Lil Charles speech would end with a double quote. Thus, you might consider the following for the above.



Note that I've changed the internal quotes, where Lil Charles relates the farmer's and the trainer's words, in single quotes, per the rule mentioned above. Lil Charles' entire speech is enclosed in double quotes. Each paragraph *inside* his speech starts with a double quote, but doesn't END with a double quote until he's done speaking, in the final paragraph. I added your reaction line just for clarity.

I think this reads better, although the absence of a closing quote at the first and intermediate paragraphs, which indicate that Lil Charles is continuing to speak, is kind of small and easy to miss. For additional clarity, you could break speech with descriptions of Lil Charles affect, like his tone or facial expression, or with a reaction from his listeners, as you do at the ending. I'd minimize these, though, as I think you want the readers focused more on the story that Lil Charles is relating and less on the telling of it.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I loved the story. I love Lil Charles. I am in awe of your talent with dialect. Keep writing! I sincerely hope this is what you were looking for.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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Thoughts on Writing  (NPL) Short essays on the craft of fiction. #1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .