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 Review #4684702 |
 | David's Obsession  [13+] A man who cannot let go of an issue when he thinks he is in the right. Will it cost him?  |
| (4.5)| Greetings Damon Nomad ! I am sending you a review of your story, "David's Obsession" . I do hope that you find something interesting or helpful to you. WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS: I am one of the judges of "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . FIRST IMPRESSION: This isn't an easy story to cover as a short story, but I think you pulled it off well. TITLE: The title sums things up pretty well. HOOK: The story starts off with David obsessing about the problem he had discovered, much to the dismay of his poor wife. It worked beautifully to pull your reader in, get them invested in what your main character finds important. SETTING: Setting is minimal, but we do know where the characters are at all times. Do you need to describe the kitchen, the conference room, or the hospital room? No, I don't think you absolutely have to do this. It certainly would add to the word count, which can be problematic. You could, however, slip a few descriptive things in, like that he sits down at a well-worn kitchen table, something about the impersonal atmosphere of the conference room, the annoying sounds of the hospital room, etc. CONTEST PROMPT: The not-formally-educated man vs. some shady characters at a big corporation fits the David vs. Goliath theme of the contest perfectly. I feel like having the protagonist named David and the corporation called Goliath is kind of like clobbering your reader over the head with the theme, though. CHARACTERS: David should have been an engineer, but wasn't able to complete his education. It doesn't stop him from educating himself and from caring when he sees a dangerous situation that needs to be corrected. I feel for his wife, though! His single-mindedness much be a challenge to be married to, even if he does end up being a hero. DIALOG: The dialog works for the story line, and it is easy to distinguish the different "voices" for the most part. Most of the corporate guys sounded alike, but that didn't really bother me much. POINT OF VIEW: Third-person POV works perfectly. There is no problem telling what is going on in David's head. NUTS & BOLTS: There was only one spot where I got a little confused. This sentence: David was muttering as she sat down. "Who was that? The USB?" I realize that David is not feeling well and hense is doing a minimum amount of speaking, but the way his dialog is structured I thought he was asking if the person he was asking about was the USB. It didn't make any sense, of course, but that's how it reads. This would work better: "Who was that? Where's the USB?" This only adds one more word/syllable for David to utter and clarifies his meaning completely. FINAL THOUGHTS: I enjoyed your story. Thank you for entering the contest.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/30/2023 @ 7:41pm EST