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 Review #4694955 |
 | My Paranoia  [E] Living in isolation  |
| (3.5)| Review of Depression for Bill Kamen Initial Impression: A poem that appears to describe feelings of separation from society and restriction of movement beyond the safety of home. The cause of these feelings is not clear, but there is a note of hope and determination to overcome these feelings in the final two stanzas. Title: I am much in favour of one-word titles but this one seems a little too curtailed, perhaps because it does nothing to clarify the content of the poem. There are elements of depression in the descriptions within the poem but perhaps more of paranoia. The poem would benefit from a more exact title, even if that means going beyond one word. Content: The poem is difficult to understand. Much of this is because some of the words used do not mean what I think the poet means. For instance, "I befall into the shadows" - befall means to happen, whereas I think you mean to "fall back." Other examples are "emanates," meaning to issue or spread out from. Does not seem to fit the context as I don't think the outside emanates from anything - it may send out emanations but it is not sent out by something else. "my mind demeans" - means your mind causes a severe loss in the dignity of and respect for something. But what? I'm unsure what you meant here. "Thoughts become audible words, transcending reverberating sounds" - In what way do they transcend (go beyond the bounds of) sounds? This one is hard to imagine. But this stanza adds that the thoughts echo questions from your innards. Reverberating means echoing so you're actually repeating your earlier statement. Repetition is distracting in any form of writing so, unless you're doing it to produce a chantlike effect or you want to hammer something home, don't do it. Poetry especially requires that we pack a lot of meaning into few words, so repeating things, even in different words, is to be avoided if at all possible. I have my doubts about the word "innards" too. To my mind it raises the image of entrails rather than one's innermost being (which is what I think you mean). It's a great word if you wanted to write a poem about butchery, but not in this context, I think. The final line of this fourth stanza raises a question in my mind. In what way does an echo (yet another repeat) chamber burst forth? I think you might have meant "bursting forth from an echo chamber." There are good things about the poem, however. It's clear that you're trying to communicate deep feelings that are very hard to describe accurately so that they can be understood. And this is the essence of poetry - the communication of our thoughts and feelings. You need to play with words a bit more if you're going to hit upon exactly the right one, that's all. Never choose a word because it looks long and impressive. The right word is out there somewhere and, as the old commercial says, accept no substitutes until you have the perfect one that says what you mean. I still use online resources to check on the meaning of a word I want to use or to find a better one. It's so easy now that we have computers. So you're getting across the main idea of feeling compressed and restricted by what is happening around you. That's good. But inexact word choice is undermining this. And it would help the reader if you were to give some indication of the cause of your feeling this way. Much of the enjoyment of poetry comes when the reader can say, "Yes, I know what you mean. The same thing happened to me and you've said it exactly." Then there's the breath of hope in the final two stanzas. At first, the self-questioning in the penultimate stanza sets the stage for the turn around to face the light in the last stanza. It's a welcome relief after the dark brooding of the poem until then. New thoughts on a new day - light at the end of the tunnel! Style: You wrap your thoughts in little packages of just a few words and throw them at the reader. It's not a bad technique and certainly concentrates the reader's mind. Just make those thoughts a little clearer with greater accuracy of word choice and you'll be flying. Flow/Pace: Pretty good, you get down to business, don't wallow in too much introspection and get where you're going without fuss. Very neat and readable. Suggestions: I think I've already made a few. Don't be discouraged - you'd be surprised how quickly improvement happens when you keep writing. Favourite line or part: "with new thoughts with each new day." Carries just the right amount of hope for the ending. Overall Impression: The poem needs a fair bit of work but that's normal for poetry. It's much harder than many people think. But, when you get it right, it repays over and over!     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 05/02/2023 @ 10:03am EDT