Raven,

As requested, this is my review of “Shadow of the Gryphon. Except where I point out grammatical and continuity errors, this will be only my opinion.

This chapter starts out with the classic trope of the protagonist meeting an enigmatic figure who threatens him. I like this trope, but I think it would benefit from having the figure be more mysterious instead of outright calling for Aelhar’s death. It would be something to build toward.

The settings are where the story shines, which is good because often see it neglected. I feel like I’m there with Aelhar. I can hear his footsteps, feel the wind, and smell the forest. Good job here. The setting is like a character in its own right. I noticed that you chose a real-life mountain range for your setting. Will there be other traits of the real world in this story? Rivers? Towns? Maybe aspects of Spanish or French culture? It’s something to consider.

I was a bit confused as to what Aelhar was doing out in the woods. It looked like he was patrolling or something. But the scene ended with him pulling out a letter from Jax which looked urgent. Was he hurrying on his way to Doln Nory?

Your treatment of the characters was uneven. I feel like I learned more about Angus Farnsworth than Aelhar, or Jax. And this brings me to what I thought was the weakest aspect of this story: the dialog. The characters speak to each other frequently and there is opportunity for character development. Dialog is more than just a transfer of information. It is a revelation of the characters, their thoughts, feelings, state of mind, history, even what they ate for breakfast. All of these circumstances contribute to what comes out of the characters’ mouths. The dialog here felt flat, boring, like reading an instruction manual. I had trouble telling the characters apart. Try putting yourself in the character’s situation and think about how the character feels and how they would express their thoughts. Try saying it out loud to hear how it sounds and decide if it’s appropriate. Here’s an excerpt of a novel with great dialog:

“How bright your garden looks!” said Gandalf.

“Yes,” said Bilbo. “I am very fond indeed of it, and of all the dear old Shire; but I think I need a holiday.”

“You mean to go on with your plan then?”

“I do. I made up my mind months ago, and I haven’t changed it.”

“Very well. It is no good saying any more. Stick to your plan – your whole plan, mind – and I hope it will turn out for the best, for you, and for all of us.”

“I hope so. Anyway I mean to enjoy myself on Thursday, and have my little joke.”

“Who will laugh, I wonder?” said Gandalf, shaking his head.

“We shall see,” said Bilbo.

While I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what this excerpt comes from, it’s worth looking at. This dialog reveals much about the characters engaged; their plans, their misgivings, their motivations and even possibly things unknown to themselves. You hear Bilbo’s merriment and playfulness. You catch Gandalf’s dry wit. There are layers of subtext in this short passage, some foreshadowing. Gandalf knows something, and Bilbo at some deep level might know it as well. There is foreboding in the words that lurks beneath the surface. Even without having read The Hobbit, one can sense that it was a long journey for these two to get to this point, and a longer journey yet lies ahead. I hope this helps you develop the dialog.

I was trying to fix Vordecai in my mind. I expected him to offer wisdom, knowledge, and possibly even to take charge of matters in the crisis that unfolded. Vordecai has the potential to be a great archetypical mentor to Aelhar, but the story doesn’t treat him that way. Fantasy stories have a long tradition of mentor characters and I hoped to see that here. Also, it seems that Vordecai should have been aware of Aelhar’s talent.

I think you should have delved more into the existence of Adelphalanyx. This was a significant development, and I think that Aelhar would have been deeply shaken by his encounter. He no doubt would have been thinking about it on his way back to Doln Nory. And why wouldn’t he tell the villagers about the wyvern?

Another thing that was strange to me was how Feyona revealed herself and the children to be Fae. This seems to happen twice. I suggest reading it over and deciding whether it makes sense. This also brings me back to Aelhar’s relationship with with Doln Nory and its inhabitants. Did Aelhra know the Wynns and their children? He had no idea what their nature was? Were the Wynns also Fae?

Here are some other things I noticed:

“Pulling the peaked hood forward to protect his face from debris, the wind picked up.”
The two clauses of this sentence are awkwardly joined. It sounds like the wind is pulling the hood up to protect its face. How about:
“He pulled the peaked hood forward to protect his face from debris as the wind picked up.”

“Winter had been bad enough on the farms, worse than even the old ones remember, but it must have been worse in the mountains, if the number of wolves driven down into the Twin Rivers was a guide.”
Consider Dividing this sentence into two.

“He glanced over his shoulder and over twenty spans of the trail, a cloaked figure on horseback. A horse and rider, all in black.”
These are two incomplete sentences. There needs to be a verb for the “cloaked figure” and “horse and rider.” If this is a stylistic choice, then that’s fine, but try to be consistent.

Note about the children when Aelhar finds them. They should be traumatized, but they don’t seem to be. This is strange behavior even after we find out the children were not what they seemed.

How did Feyona know about the attack on her relatives? Was there a magical form of communication at work?

"They were attacked by a lycan. I found them in the forest. I killed the lycan."
Continuity error: Aelhar didn’t kill the lycan. It ran away into the forest, unless Aelhar is lying for some reason?

I hope this review was helpful. Keep it going.

-Graham


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .