Zachary,

This is my review of Arcane Ascension: Prologue, as requested. Except for where I point out grammatical errors and typos, this is only my opinion.

The first thing I will say about this prologue is that it feels more like a first chapter. Traditionally, prologues are supposed to set the stage for story to come, established the themes, lay the groundwork for the plot. This piece seems to advance the plot and push character development beyond what would normally be seen in a prologue, to even include an inciting incident. Of course there may be a lot more to come, and I haven’t read the rest, but that is my impression. Perhaps the vignette about Kael destroying a tree during his training with Master Elara would serve a prologue by itself, if you expanded it.

I did like Jace as the loyal friend who tries to support Kael. Their relationship would be something to explore later in the book. There could be a lot going on here, which would be upended by the accident. Jace paid a price for his loyalty, and for Kael’s obsession with Senke. Ironically it was his quest to control his powers that drove him to lose control.

Here are some issues I had with what was here:

“He paused before a dusty tome titled "Mysteries of the Senke Era"”

Why would people from the Senke Era write a book entitled “Mysteries of the Senke Era”?

I also noticed a lot of repetition throughout this prologue. Here are some examples:

“He was driven by curiosity, a burning desire to understand the history of the Senke Era and how it could help him control the magic that surged within him.”

“This was exactly the reason he was here - to learn about the Senke Era and perhaps gain some insight into his own unpredictable abilities.”

“He believed that the knowledge of the Senke Era held the key to taming his erratic abilities…”

“Each discovery brought him closer to understanding their mastery over magic, feeding his conviction that he could harness this knowledge to control his own abilities.”

“The potential knowledge hidden within its history consumed him, fueling his determination to unlock the mysteries of his own powers.”

“If only he could decipher the secrets they held, perhaps he would find the key to mastering his abilities.”

“The secrets of the Senke Era would not remain hidden forever, and neither would the key to controlling the storm that raged within him.”

"I understand, Kael. We'll uncover the secrets of the Senke Era, and you'll gain control over your powers. You have my word."

This list of passages all convey the same thing: Kael is investigating the Senke ruins to gain insight into controlling his own powers. This is not the only redundancy I found, but it is the most prominent. It’s the sort of thing that would be caught in editing. The reader gets it. I recommend not belaboring the point. Try to cut down on this sort of repetition. By combining this and other redundancy you could probably cut this prologue in half.

I think this is a good start to a story, and there is potential here. The I did like the characters and I think they will make for interesting drama. But there is a content and pacing issue that I think makes this more like a short story than a prologue. You dive into some themes and introduce quite a bit of rising action. Keep in mind what a prologue is for and don’t serve up the main course before the appetizer has arrived.

That’s all I have, and I hope it helps.

-Graham


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .