Hi. My name is Max. Thank you for asking me to read your story. I remember reading it when you entered it in the "Tales Shown, Not Told Discussion Forum"  contest.

Item Reviewed: "That Haunting Love Story"   by The Puppet Master
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                           
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                           
What I liked best
I enjoy stories with unexpected twist endings, and this one delivered. In addition, gave a creative twist to a story of love ended too soon by tragic death.

                                                           
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening names your (initial) point-of-view character, puts her in action, and orients the reader in time and place, all good things. It answers the basic who/what/when/where questions, another plus.

However, the opening paragraph doesn't put the reader inside Violet's head. For example, this is a fine, declarative sentence:

BUt that's exactly the problem--this is the author telling the reader some facts. Consider instead this simple revision

This conveys the same information, but does so by having Violet doing stuff. Instead of the narrator--that's you, the author--telling the reader her hands where shaking and she "could hear" her heart beating, it shows the information through her actions.

This is a minor change in terms of the actual information on the page, but a big change in terms of where it puts the reader--inside Violet's head as she enters the office, as opposed that of a narrator, standing outside the story, looking in. Putting the reader inside the story is one of major goals of an opening paragraph in a short story or a in a scene in a longer piece.

Indeed, I'd recommend that you look at all of the declarative statements--such as the description of Stan's office when Violet first enters--and try to find a way to change them so they are in Violet's head.

In passing, it might be nice if the opening made mention of this being her first day back from sick leave since, as it turns out, she's got some paperwork to fill out as a consequence.

                                                           
Characters
Vonnegut once said that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water. For the major characters in a story, this is doubly important.

Characters need goals. The goals need to matter--these are the stakes. Something bad happens if they can't achieve their goals, or, at worst, they miss out on something good. Finally, there ned to be obstacles to achieving their goals, or else there's not much of a story.

Goals and obstacles lead to conflict. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. The three, goals, stakes, and obstacles, work in concert to create tension. Tension is the engine that drives your story and hence the plot.

Okay, that's just to establish why these things are important. In your story, both of the major characters, Violet and Stan, have goals, the goals matter, and they face obstacles. We learn these fairly early in the story, which helps to establish tension and keep the plot alive.

In terms of these basic elements, this story does a good job. Eventually, Violet realizes her goal (although in an unexpected and delightful way) and we're left to infer that Stan does as well--at least, he's resigned his job, thus getting red of the stress that had been troubling him (his goal).

Violet's bashfulness and Stan feeding a stray cat also help to make both characters relatable and engage the readers in ways that will make them want to cheer for both protagonists.

The characters are the strongest feature of this story.

                                                           
Plot
Violet has a crush on Stan. An unexpected accident frustrates her goal of a relationship with him. Stan is stressed by his job and, later, by being haunted by a ghost. He quits his job and his pastor helps with an exorcism (of sorts), which in the end gives both Violet and Stan what they wanted. In nice little "just so" story. The goals and obstacles mesh nicely for both characters, as does the resolution. This story has excellent plotting.

                                                           
Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of both of the primary characters; in fact, the author knows everything. This is evident because we know the internal thoughts of both Violet and Stan.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

Novels can and usually do have more than one POV character. Short stories, however, generally have only one. The reason is that each shift in POV requires the reader to adjust, moving from one character to another. This adjustment takes time and effort, both by the author and the reader. The length of a short story, being, well, short, makes it harder to have multiple points of view.

I often recommend that authors consider settling on a single point of view when writing a short story. However, sometimes it's true that the plot or other considerations require more than one POV--Faulkner's "A Rose For Emily" being an example.

It's in the nature of this story that you might want to break it into two segments--the first in Violet's head and the second in Stan's. It's more or less already done that way--except there's a short scene in the pastor's head. However, in both segments I'd recommend more attention be given to putting the reader in the POV character's head. I already suggested how to do this in the opening paragraph above. I'd recommend considering something similar to put the reader in Stan's head for the second segment, probably at the funeral but possibly at the fatefufl phone call. In any case, the transition to the new point of view has to be clear, and probably marked by an extra line feed or even three centered *** or ### marks.

                                                           
Scene/Setting
You've done a good job setting the scene, with active descriptors that help to stimulate the readers' imaginations. However, as noted above, you do this largely through declarative sentences that feel like the narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader stuff. If you could convey the same information in a more subjective way, putting the reader inside the POV character's head, these would be far more effective. The information doesn't change, just a relatively minor tweak to the presentation can make all the difference.

                                                           
Grammar

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                           
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

All of my suggestions for this story are based on the idea of the guided dream. The story fundamentals--character, tension, plot--are all excellent. Where I've suggested changes, it's been with an eye to enhancing the readers' connections to the POV character and hence to the fictional world, i.e., to enhance that fictional dream playing in their heads.

BTW, I'm definately a cat person, so I especially loved this story.

This is a fine story that shows a real talent for character and plot. Thank you for sharing, and do keep in writing!!!

                                                           
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                           
His touch is so soft and warm, she thought.My Comment: It’s correct to use italics, as you have here, when quoting an internal thought. However, the italics alone are sufficient, and almost all editors will eschew the “she thought” tag.

"My number is escaping me," she said softly. My Comment: This is one of those adverbs I mentioned. Instead of said softly, she might have muttered, or murmured, or whispered, each having more precise meanings.

She's gone! Tears formed in Stan's eyes as he realized the gravity of the situation.My Comment: We’ve been in violet’s head up until now, but here we’re suddenly in Stan’s head with no transition. This hop--from one character's head to another's--risks losing the readers unless the transition is clearer.

Pastor Quinn arrived at the pitch-black office. "Violet, if you're here, turn on the flashlight," he said.My Comment: Notice that only Pastor Quinn is in this brief scene. The omniscient narrator tells us what happens. You might consider having Stan accompany him, or simply have Pastor Quinn describe to Stan, in a subsequent scene, what transpired. I wouldn’t recommend a third POV character unless the character arc for the Pastor somehow fit the arcs for the other two characters. As it stands, Quinn doesn’t have a character arc—he doesn’t change as result of the events in the story, unlike Violet and Stan.

                                                           

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing  (NPL) Short essays on the craft of fiction. #1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .