%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4710455 |
 | A Wasted Life  [E] A young man realizes too late he has made some bad choices.  |
| (3.0)| Good morning, Deacon Blues . I hope the day finds you well. I am a brand-new member of no importance, and I have been led to believe that I should offer reviews of other members' stories. You will be my first. I opened the Crime/Gangster folder and was taken by this offering, so here we go. Allow me to apologize for anything you may find disagreeable. This is one reader's opinion for you to use in any way you might find helpful. It is my view that good writing involves the interplay of several aspects, and, well, you'll see what I mean shortly...The first aspect is the presentation. If the work looks professional, it is far more likely to be read. In the case of this story, you have offered a single dense paragraph in the default font, and it is frankly very off-putting. Had it been longer... Well, I might have read it anyway, but the next reader might have clicked on by. I would recommend using the shortcut buttons across the top of the creation box to change the font, size, linespacing, create indented paragraphs, all things to make your story more visually attractive to the reader who lands on it. The second aspect is or are the characters. We want to read stories about us, and the situation is secondary to how they act and perform and how believable they are. In this case, you have a single viewpoint character and while we only spend what amounts to a couple of paragraphs with him, he grabs us and draws us in. I would normally suggest a first-person view to give the narrative more immediacy, but it would be kind of silly to end it, "and then I died." This guy is solid and compelling. Third is the plot. When I said that the characters are more important, I didn't mean to suggest that the plot is unimportant. Far from it, but here's the thing: Good characters can raise a mediocre story to a higher level, but it doesn't work the other way around. A good story with poor characters only raises the specter of disappointment as the reader wonders how much better it could have been if the characters were right. All that is information that you can take with you and use if you wish. None of it applies to this story. This is a tense, gripping vignette from the life (and death) of a criminal and would serve as a fine ending to a longer work. I have no criticisms to offer here. Finally comes the technical work, grammar, spelling, and all that boring stuff that everybody sees but nobody wants to talk about. One word here is going to cost you a star: Paragraphs. They are a basic building block of written language, and I can see at least six in this small passage. In addition, there is a space in the middle of "He" that just jumps off the page, and I would recommend using italics for the dying man's internal dialog: So, this is what it feels like to die, he thought. By the way, even though it's internal, it's a line of dialogue, and is a paragraph by itself. Those are the extent of my criticisms. The spelling and punctuation look right to me. We could quibble over a comma, for example the one following the phrase, this is how he would end up. It looks unnecessary to me, but I'm hardly a comma expert. My conclusion: Three stars. You have a tense scene with a compelling character, but the presentation and technical aspects harm the overall effect. So, you're probably wondering, who is this jackass giving me poor marks on this story I worked so hard on? That's easy. I'm a failed wannabe author with a lot of hard lessons under my belt. I offer them to whoever wants to use them, but this is your story with your name on it, and I'm one reader with one opinion. Use any portion that you feel might improve your product, and forget the rest. Wishing you great success on your journey, ~ hammer48  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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