Hello Ben C,

I happened to notice your portfolio and this item, and decided to read and review it.

Please keep in mind that anything I suggest is only my interpretation of it and only you know how you want it to read. You're welcome to use any part of it or ignore what doesn't work for you.
That being said, let's get on with it.

Bruce Man is an okay title, but I wondered if there might be a better one as I have no idea who that is or what kind of life he had before this. It also depends on how he ultimately wants to be remembered. It allows the reader to at least care about the character.

The begining of this story caught my interest anyway, because I wondered what the list was about, whether it was a doctor reading the list or what. And so it caused me to read more so I could understand better.

It appears that the action occured before that moment. We don't know what happened to cause it, yet anyway.

Soon, we realize the doctor is sharing a page with Bruce.

. In this sentence, saying he was in pain is telling, instead could be changed so it's showing him in pain.

Bruce rapped on the door, Oh great Now my DNA, will be left behind. With great effort, he wiped it with the side of his fist, which only smeared it. A sharp pain cause Bruce to wince.

I'd delete that next sentence, since in my suggestion it served both purposes and more concise.

Here I'd let that one sentence be dialogue because it's a bit confusing.
* The doctor explained, "I don’t hear of these things too often."

Need to keep his thoughts separate from what the doctor is doing.

The one thing that Bruce really cared about was the one thing the doctor

Here you needed a comma and uncap He.

“I’m dying,” he said.

*Note: You certainly have a lot of action and rising tension in this story.
The imagery was pretty good.

* I liked how the character appreciated the his grandson and the child smiled at him. It adds an element of humanity to him. I wonder why the child would not be afraid since he didn't know him. You might consider that the character might do something, which redirects the childs attention temporarily. Depending on the the childs age, it could be an item or something else the character just happens to have with him.

There were some rough transitions, yet I figured out what was more seeing for example when the car stopped at the gas station and next we know the females are in the trunk. Rightly so, since they kept making noise. Therefore irritating. This could make things worse for the character. I would think a headache might be present.

Your story idea seems feasible. I just wanted to know and understand him more. I'd have liked to see how his life was before all of this happening. Maybe he was happy at some point in time, yet now not much, if at all.

With a little bit of editing,this can be improved.

Thanks for sharing.
Write On.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .