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 Review #4730963 |
 |  | No Love Lost  [ASR] Your eyes are so misleading  |
| (3.0)| Hello 👼intuey . I'm happy to give a WDC Anniversary Review for No Love Lost. It seemed a good choice to review so close to Valentine's Day. And Congrats on achieving a huge WdC milestone! Twenty-one years! (I'm jealous!  ) Please accept my honest feedback and comments based on my perceptions of what you've written. If anything I mention here is off the mark or doesn't work with what you're going for in this piece, please let it go and move on.  The Poem's Title: The title of this poem is appropriate and feels right to me. I'm not sure about the description/tag line for the poem because the opposite thought is declared in the first line of the first stanza. This might be part of the poem's theme, but slapping the opposing statement in the first line (right after I read the description) threw me off balance. You might consider changing the wording of one or the other lines to make the [opposing statement] more subtle, or move the first line's sentiment to later in the poem–maybe to the end. Just some thoughts. Imagery: I don't see any true imagery shown in this poem. The first line comes close by starting with, "Your stark blue eyes..." though stark could be interpreted any number of ways without more description or background. Yes, this is a poem and I'm looking for a story, sorry about that--just a habit. It would be nice to see a bit of imagery here, though. I know you're limited by syllable counts in this poetry form, but my thought is to include more showing. For instance, instead of "You walk away without a glance," could you come up with something that describes the person's attitude by showing their posture as they leave? "You turn and go, chin high, back straight." Do you see what I mean? That's just an example to show you I'm trying to get at, not my attempt to rewrite your work. (I don't know if they would have walked away casually with their hand jingling the change in their pocket.  ) Rhythm/Repetition: Repetition isn't included in this form, but the syllable counts are correct and I enjoyed rhythm and how it changes in each stanza. Rhyme: Rhyming poetry is always difficult, and often the tendency is to choose words that rhyme and twist them to tell the story the writer wants to tell (this is how it was described to me in a review I received some time back). I had this feeling when reading this poem, especially the first stanza. The red flags for me were the words in lines 1-3 and 5 being used to rhyme because they all end with -ing. To me, that isn't a rhyme since the -ing is an add-on to the word and isn't part of the root. (I don't know if this is actually a rule in poetry, just something that caught me up.) On the other hand, the rhymes in the second stanza seemed much more authentic. Overall Impression: This is a deeply felt poem that I think could be improved with a little touching-up. I'd suggest reading it aloud to yourself and listening to the words and how they feel and sound together, then consider changes you might want to make. –– I have one quick note to mention before I sigh off: There's a typo at the end of the page after the note of the form used. Instead of saying "Two Stanzas" it says, "6 Stanzas." I assume this is a typo. since there are two stanzas of six lines each. I'd get in there and edit that before the contest judging begins.Happy Anniversary and thank you for the opportunity to read and review your craft. I wish you all the best as you continue your writing pursuits! Good luck with the contest, and of course, write on!     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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