%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4732640 |
| An Angel Army Review Hi flamingrose09. I'm JACE  , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Invalid Item"  , which I found on the Read & Review feature. I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. I like your story premise. Reliving a past joy, even if only in one's mind, is one thing that can keep us going.Yours is a very descriptive offering. To my mind, it's almost too descriptive. I felt like I was wading through a plethora of adjectives, which makes reading difficult ... at least for me. You need lines with less descriptive moments to help move your story along. I do wonder about a couple of things: First, why use the term Serial on your rating line. Second, your Item Description (a past forbidden fantasy) didn't seem to be a apt description of your story. I may have missed it, but I didn't get the 'forbidden' part.  Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. Your following sentence was very long and awkward to read. A suggestion follows: As time passes you kiss me deeper and deeper with more rigour passion, want and need that I release a moan into your mouth which fuels your hunger for me even more. Time passes slowly as you kiss me deeper and deeper. Your want and need ignites your passion. I moan with your kiss, fueling your hunger for me even more. You break your point of view in your final paragraph. You refer to your partners as "you" throughout, but change it to "he" in that last paragraph.  My Rating. 3.5. You have an above average offering that needs further editing to be great. Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.