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Greetings,

An interesting tale, certainly, with action, emotion, and realistic details.

I observe a common theme you employ is that of a narrator retelling a memory of someone they knew, sometimes set as a “story within a story.” This can be a good thing and a bad thing in different ways. (I learned a lot of this coming up from Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author Icon, whom I happily pester with almost every story I write.)

One is that the reader is aware the story is set in the past tense, and they are not as much invested/caught up in the created world as they would be if it was told as something happening within the moment.

Then within the past tense frame, there’s a tendency to tell, rather than show, to simply describe how things went down rather than…? this is a much debated subject, and I think it depends a lot on what type of story it is. I know my own "Whose Side Are You On?" Open in new Window. is built in a similar narrative framework as yours, and I might as well share Max’s advice to me on the subject Review of "Whose Side Are You On?" which, now that I look at it, is probably totally irrelevant to your work.

Anyway, another thing I noticed is that the plot turns on two events which were entirely luck: the woman who took down the license plate number, and the officers driving past the quad with the motorcycle parked by it. These “happy accidents” don’t offer an opportunity for a “real” detective story with anything to solve or figure out.

I was waiting for a final twist of some kind, perhaps the discovery that the Indian is somehow connected to the bank robber. Instead we are presented with a fleeting glimpse of a man who left a lasting impact on the narrator, yet the development of this person’s character is rather brief and simplistic, as seen from the outside.

I’m not proposing you change anything about this story, just making observations. I appreciate it for what it is, a man looking back on his life and sharing about someone who meant a lot to him. It’s well written, providing a slice of police action and reminding us that justice happens in strange and unconventional ways.

Thanks for sharing, take care and best wishes on your ongoing projects *Smile* *HeartBl*


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