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Review #4737771
Viewing a review of:
 Deserted In Italy Open in new Window. [E]
A young woman alone in a rural town in Italy. Befriended by a man she believes a friend.
by y m remington Author Icon
Review of Deserted In Italy  Open in new Window.
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

I checked your portfolio but there doesn’t appear to be another instalment of this story. As you left it with a cliffhanger, that’s very frustrating! I got quite invested in Maddy’s tale and would have loved to read more. At the moment, it doesn’t seem that she has much luck with men. The last one left her on her own after stealing her backpack and money, and the one who appeared to be helping her doesn’t seem to be entirely honourable either.

There wasn’t much to suggest that he was anything but a nice guy who helped a stranger in need, apart, of course, from the sad fact that not many people would go to these lengths to help anyone. He seemed friendly enough and offered her food and a place to rest, but then, it all seemed to turn sour… before the story ended rather abruptly. There is the possibility that the door was simply stuck and in the next paragraph, he would have come to open it for her and all would have been resolved. I can’t imagine that this is where the story was going though. The far more likely explanation is that he was up to no good. Also, what did he mean when he said he wasn’t well earlier in the story? And then there was the question who the other guy was who was there when Maddy woke up. So many questions!


*PenG* Suggestions:

slowed upon approaching the girl then sped on. Dawn approached;
The repetition of “approaching/approached” was quite noticeable here and I would suggest replacing one of them.

wormed it’s way towards her
You need “its” without the apostrophe.

That's okay I speak English.
There should be a comma after “okay”.

This way" Guido showed her
You need a period after “way” as that’s the end of the speech.

The huge male grabbed Guido gave him a bear hug and lifted him off the ground
There should be a comma after “Guido”.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

I liked the story as far as you got with it and I would have liked to read on. There was clearly a lot more to come, and despite speculating where it might be going, I don’t know what you had planned for Maddy and Guido. If you do write more, please let me know because I’m quite curious!




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