%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4739326 |
 | Chapter 1  [E] This is (the current) Chapter 1 of a Medieval Fantasy story that doesn't have a name yet  |
| (4.0)  First Impressions: That was an interesting beginning. You have clearly given this story a lot of thought, and it shows in the details you have included in your first chapter. There are quite a few characters, two of them directly in the scene but most of them just mentioned in the dialogue. In just 1,400 words, you set the scene quite well. At first, I wasn’t sure where this story might be going - to be fair, I still don’t have much of an idea, but you mentioned ‘the Undead’ and then trying to bring magic back to humanity, which gave me some direction. You hinted at a few things but didn’t elaborate, like the queen’s grandfather committing some atrocity - just enough for the readers to be intrigued.  Suggestions: The first sentence was a great hook. You made it interesting enough for the readers to want to carry on. I would suggest naming the character right at the beginning though - instead of saying, shocked him, drop Andre’s name in there. It makes it more personal and the readers are more inclined to care what happens to him. In the same way, I would replace the old man in the second sentence with ‘Father William’. It seemed to me that most of the action that happened around the conversation was used as dialogue tags. It would probably be a good idea to include more action than Andre nodded or Father William stood - that’s little more than “he said” and doesn’t convey much of what is actually going on while the characters are speaking. It doesn’t enable the readers to get into the characters' heads because they don’t know what they might be thinking. Perhaps have them pause, look around the room and think about how shabby it looked compared to the good old days before the king came to the throne, and describe it to the readers, or whatever might be appropriate for the story. There were a couple of occasions where they sat in silence for a minute; that would be an ideal moment for Andre to reflect on something and it would enable you to add some descriptions - of the room, of the old man, anything, really - or reveal some other information, like how they met, or how much Andre felt he had grown up in the last however-many years since they first met, or how frail the old man looked compared to when they first met. The story lacked that kind of detail, and while you talked a lot about other characters, I felt I didn’t really get to know the two that were in this chapter.  Final Thoughts: I think the story would benefit from a bit of an edit. Technically, it was very polished, and the suggestions I made above are mainly about adding a bit more narrative. It would flesh out the tale and the characters and enable the readers to care about their fate. I hope you continue this story because you have a good start here.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 03/26/2024 @ 6:31pm EDT