%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4739521 |
 | Flower Field  [13+] How would you feel to wake up in a field of flowers?  |
| (4.0)  First Impressions: That was a nice story. It became apparent quite quickly that the narrator hadn’t actually woken up but was still dreaming as there were elements of the dream that wouldn’t happen in the waking world, but the way the narrator experienced and rationalised them made it seem like the story might be set in a fantasy world. The readers were able to suspend disbelief at this point and simply enjoy the tale. The thing that struck me about this story was the complete tranquillity it conveyed. It was in stark contrast to the opening scene where the snow storm had stopped the narrator from leaving the house. The ending was nicely done, when the narrator woke up and found that none of it had been real... or maybe some of it had; you left that open for the readers to interpret.  Suggestions: Irritated I was Unless you’re Yoda  I would probably reword this sentence, ‘I was irritated.” Or better still, show the readers that the narrator was irritated. For example, something like, “With an irritated sigh, I…” to glance and the world Just a typo, ‘at the world’. Then I heard something snap. I jumped at the quick snapping sound; frantically looking behind me The repetition of ‘snap/snapping’ was quite noticeable here. I would suggest either replacing one of them, or you could do away with the second one altogether at it was obvious why she jumped: Then I heard something snap. I jumped and frantically looked behind me met by two bodies in long white dresses It might just be me, but ‘bodies’ makes it sound like they were dead people. I would probably simply say ‘girls’ or, if you want to keep it mysterious, maybe ‘beings’. Once I realized… Once I stood You had two sentences start with the same phrase in this paragraph; I would suggest changing one of them. failing to realize a small Myosotis flow ring I wasn’t sure if I read this right, but I didn’t understand how the narrator of the story could say that she failed to notice something. If she didn’t notice it, she couldn’t tell the readers about it.  Final Thoughts: I thought this was an interesting tale. There wasn’t any dialogue which worked well in a dream. What was missing, in my opinion, were the emotions the characters were experiencing. There were a lot of things happening but you didn’t really let the readers see how the characters, especially the narrator, felt about them. Just something to consider if you wanted to edit this story     My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/03/2024 @ 11:41pm EDT