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Review #4740366
Viewing a review of:
 Your Mother Only Sees Dollar Signs  [E]
His wife’s mother is a problem
by Paul
Review by JACE
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
An Angel Army Review


Hi Paul .

I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Your Mother Only Sees Dollar Signs" .

I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.

*Note1* Overall Impression. Great dialogue story. You say this item is a contest entry, but don't list which contest. From the size and style I could guess one of two contests, both of which might use your prompt (in bold at the end).

I can readily imagine such a conversation, having had a similar one with my wife about how her mother treated her father. This fostered some intense memories.

*Exclaim* Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.

         *Bullet*  I find the biggest problem of writing dialogue is making very long sentences by adding too many commas with several phrases. People tend to talk in short, complete sentences. For example, you wrote:  “Your mother is an abuser, she’s mistreated you all your life and treats your sister like a princess. I don’t like your mother much.”  Suggestion: “Your mother is an abuser. She’s mistreated you all your life and treats your sister like a princess. I don’t like your mother much.”

         *Bullet*  Again:  “Which is why Jen is so screwed up, she only sees dollar signs too.”  Either: “Which is why Jen is so screwed up. She only sees dollar signs too.” Or: “Which is why Jen is so screwed up; she only sees dollar signs too.”

*Star* My Rating.  4.5. 

*Heart* Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.


Reviewed by
JACE

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