Review of Ride with me

Search where?

This Portfolio (luminementis)

All of Writing.Com

Create New Item

Read & Review

Community

Browse By Type

Browse By Genre

Writing Resources

Wednesday, Nov. 27, 2024

6:32pm EST

Members: 914

Guests: 1,439

Total Online: 2,353

SPONSORED ITEMS

How to Write a Query Letter

A list of do's and don'ts of query letter writing along with examples.

Central International Airport

An airport with destinations and new beginnings. Take a trip.

Example Quiz: Writing.Com History Trivia

An example quiz about Writing.Com that uses Correct Scoring.

Leger's Shop

Gift certificates are available! Signature images and cNotes! Dress up your forums!

READ A NEWBIE

Prophecy

Letter to a teen starting his journey. The trials, triumphs, and failures that lay ahead.

Don't Give Up Today

A poem for those that feel alone in this, you're not alone. Keep fighting. Don't give up.

Introduction to Blood and Ember

In 2053, a vampire fights for humanity and love in a city of fragile peace and darkness.

A Thanksgiving to Dismember

Written for the Writers Cramp Contest - A ghost tries to help with Thanksgiving dinner

BY ONLINE AUTHORS

Help for the Mind and for the Heart

We care for many conditions of the body without shame.Could we do this for the mind, too?

How to Write A Nonfiction Writer's Bio

A brief overview of how to write a short writer's bio with examples.

Technical Support Forum

Members help other members with technical questions and problems using Writing.Com!

ruwth's storehouse . . .

A storehouse for my ideas about things to write! You can add yours, too! We can share!

Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4740586

Review #4740586

Viewing a review of:

Ride with me

[13+]
Love story about a Roman charioteer and a senator's daughter
by LightinMind

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4740586

Review of Ride with me

Review by Tiggy

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Access: Public | Hide Review (?)

Hello LightinMind,

my name is Tiggy and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.

First Impression:

Ah, that was an unusual sport! Not one I know a lot about, I have to admit, apart from what I learned from the movie ‘Ben Hur’, but it didn’t matter because you explained what was going on very well and I didn’t have any problems following it. The love story between the famous charioteer and the senator’s daughter was ill fated from the start - you set the scene well and showed early on that Gaius wasn’t even accepted at the senator’s party so would never be suitable for his daughter. Part of me had hoped that there would be a happy ending for them and that they would ride together into the sunset, and I suppose they did, in a way, but it wasn’t the ending I had wanted for them.

Suggestions:

I noticed a couple of missing commas but apart from that, the story was very polished.

what are you reading my lady?
I believe you need a comma after “reading” to set off the direct address.

The Red Team was brutal eliminating all his opponents
I think there should be a comma after “brutal”.

Final Thoughts:

I liked how the unlikely couple met and got to know and like each other when it would seem that they wouldn’t have a lot in common. And the chariot race was nicely written, even if Gaius did cheat a little to win. A good story!