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Review #4740590
Viewing a review of:
 Chance of a Lifetime Open in new Window. [E]
When you favourite musician finds you.
by 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 Author Icon
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024,

my name is Tiggy and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official ContestOpen in new Window.. Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.


*PenB* First Impression:

That was indeed a great chance. I can imagine how many young artists hope for an opportunity like this, to be noticed by a singer they admire. You did a good job setting the scene, switching between Alessia’s point of view and Dani’s to show both character’s parts in the story, and I could imagine them well. I liked the way the famous pop star took a personal interest in Dani, clearly recognising her potential. It wasn’t that Dani needed much convincing - she came across like a confident young woman who knew what she could do and just needed the opportunity. While it was luck that provided this to her, she didn’t hesitate. Naturally, she got a little tongue-tied when she recognised who her benefactor was, but she didn’t even seem particularly nervous at the end when she was looking forward to the meeting. I thought she was very well written.


*PenG* Suggestions:

When you favourite musician finds you.
Just a typo, “your”.

Now, that was a strange experience. Something she hadn’t experienced in a very long time.
The repetition of “experience/experienced” was quite noticeable here and I would suggest replacing one of them.

The woman smiled and shook her head, "no not me. I just want to listen."
I would probably turn this into two sentences with a period after “head”. Either way, the speech needs to start with a capital letter: “No, not me…” There are a couple more instances of that error.

as if to say, see I told you so.
I think her thoughts (‘see, I told you so’) should be set off in some way, perhaps with single quotation marks or italics.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

You used the music theme well in this story, and I could imagine the scene in the bar well. I liked the descriptions, particularly the opening few paragraphs when Alessia is enjoying a bit of time on her own, and there were some really nice details there, like the way she was letting her toes dance over the surface before dipping them in - that’s one of those lines I wish I had written. Overall, I thought this was a good story.




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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 03/31/2024 @ 10:39pm EDT
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