"Game of Thrones"  "The Iron Bank of Braavos" 



Hi Naveed

My name is Lyn, I am one of the sly foxes.

Title: Lost in Thoughts

First Impression: First, I'm going to say you're missed in this round of Game of Thrones. I'm saddened by the tone of this story. I wish life becomes different for the protagonist in this emotional piece.

What needs your attention: I understand wanting to make sure the reader knows the day's heat is unbearable.
"Today was, perhaps, the hottest day of the year. The intensity of the sun was at its peak, and the scorching rays of the sun were certainly too much for anyone to bear."

May I suggest: Today was perhaps the hottest day of the year with the scorching rays of the sun.

It removes the redundancy and gets the point across to the reader.

Here I'm wondering why the author chose a passive voice instead of using stronger verbs to make the reader feel the fear the parents wanted their children feel. "Parents, who are having a tough time controlling their children, point out at me so as to show the children that if the don't behave, an old, ugly and scary man will come to kill them or something. The irony is that the same parents criticize for objectification based on looks...sigh. "

Parents point their finger at me, and recount possible scenarios of my life. Ask them is this how you see yourself? What if this man decides to kidnap you? Make you suffer, too!

You have the same prejudice based on appearances.

What part I liked best: I've read many poems and wondered the same thing about pain and suffering. Do they really know how it feels to be poor? I'm not even sure I do but I do know what's it like to be beaten, to bury my grandchildren so I can relate to some of the pain the protagonist is feeling.

Overall impression: "Poetry, it seems, is like a breeze in a person's good times." I stopped writing for a while after my grandson was killed in 2019. Sometimes I still find it painful to put my feelings on the page.
One can carry the pain inside their head and not face any judgment but once it's out there, it's open to well-meaning critics.

This is a very thought provoking piece, Naveed. I pray you are well. You are missed. I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner that it's been a while for you on WDC.

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.


What does the Fox say?????


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .