%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4740652 |
 | The Trial  [13+] someone wants to stop a trial  |
| (3.0)| Hi Richard Allen , This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. What I liked:  The story. I loved the plot. There s a lot going on in this short story. Am I right in thinking it is the first chapter of a longer piece? I am interested to know where you will take this. I have a lot of questions whirring around my mind. Like, who is the defendant who is kidnapped (saved?) and why are there forces intent on taking him away from the courtroom? Also, why did they need to kill countless numbers of security staff, along with using explosives in neighbouring shops and buildings? That's quite extreme. While having these questions, I like how you haven't explained too much, You have hinted to the corrupt officials, which will get your reader wanting to know more about that. It's always good to whet your readers' interest this way. The way you describe the bad guys as "beings" interests me. That makes them sound as though they are some kind of alien force. I'm not sure whether that is right or not? But it intrigued me, nonetheless.Suggestions: Firstly, it would be easier to read this is you spaced out your paragraphs. Having everything bunched together like this makes the text appear dense and hard-going. It would be more appealing to more people if you separated paragraphs. My main suggestion, though, is to use some kind of grammar programme. There are numerous punctuation issues and typos, and that added to the difficulty in reading this. (It wasn't too difficult, I want to add. I did still enjoy it, but I was thrown by the incorrect punctuation a number of times.) I have put some of those instances in a dropnote for your ease. Grammar Issues/Typos ▼ Just, generally, I would say to explain who people are a bit more clearly. I was confused between Jon and the CO. I don't know where they are from. Who is Monique? Is she good or bad? Keep clear who is speaking, and whose point of view we are seeing the events through. Also, try to make the action less passive. For example, you say that "an arm flew off of his body." I had to re-read a few times to figure out whose body because it reads as though it is Jon's, but you don't show any emotion or pain It would be easier to connect with the characters if we had some emotion. Parting comments: This is a good story. You have some interesting events taking place, and with the characters, I'm unsure as to who I can trust. Which is a good thing. I just think you need to use a simple grammar programme on your work. That would make the reading experience easier. Choconut    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 04/01/2024 @ 5:30pm EDT