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 Review #4740666 |
 | Tinkering Dreams  [ASR] Harold had never been lucky. Orphaned and fired. Still had dreams though.  |
| (4.5)| Hi NaNotatoGo! , This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. What I liked: Oh, so much of this story! These are some of my favourite points:  Your writing style. There is something, almost, familiar about it, and I quickly relaxed into your writing and the story. You describe the contraptions, automata, that this boy makes. He had previously been working in the factory but is fired for something that wasn't his fault. But, wait. He's been busy making these cool inventions. On his way to the poor house, he encounters Ashe, an orphaned girl who has clearly learned how to take care of herself. Your name for the street she lives on is 'Knickers' Way' which, I think, speaks volumes about the girl and her occupation. I held my breath while Harold was at this location. I kept thinking someone would attack him and steal his contraptions. But they didn't. I worried needlessly. The language you use is carefully chosen, and that really appeals to me. For example, the word 'tifter,' as used a couple of times by Ashe, is an interesting one. I had to look it up to find its meaning, but when I did, I could see how perfect a choice it was. I also love how you describe Ashe as 'caterwauling.' That's exactly what she would have done. It's another perfect word choice. I love how you both begin and end this story with the acknowledgment that being fired from the factory might have been the best thing that ever happened to Harold. This made me smile. The story comes full circle, and Harold is shown to be okay.Suggestions: The end, when it came, seemed to happen really quickly. I guess it's kind of the same for the beginning. The incident that propels Harold into the world of his creations and making money at the funfair is over quickly. And the end, when Harold determines he will go to the fair, is soon over. It's like the main part of the story is Harold and the fair. But we don't actually see it. This is a very picky point. A minor punctuation issue. "'Whom was it who gave you permission to dilly dally?' The Barron asked." It should be a small t in "the Baron." Whenever you have a speech tag of any kind, unlesss you are giving a person's name, it should be a small letter after the ending speech mark. Also, in this sentence, it should be "Who" not "Whom." Parting comments: I loved this story. I really enjoy your style. It is one I could happily read more often. Thank you. Choconut   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/01/2024 @ 10:24am EDT