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 Review #4740688 |
 | Bronze Nostalgia  [13+] Prompt: A old man finds a coin that reminds him of a special day from his youth.  |
| (4.5)| Hallo Kevster ! I will be reviewing your work "Bronze Nostalgia " on behalf of "House Targaryen Points" for "Game of Thrones"  Content: One day, at a fair, an old man picks up a coin in delight; believing that this coin is filled with a rich history. However, the real story behind the coin is less dramatic and quite amusing; yet its journey through time until the present is one that we can all relate to in some way. Pluses:wWith the first read, I had to chuckle at the true story of the coin, for it's quite true that something we might consider a treasure today was actually considered...well, not so important by someone else in the past. What stood out to me in your poetry is how well your rhyming scheme worked well to convey the tale. I am no poetry expert, but reading out loud, the flow was very well done. Now, let's talk about the imagery; for your way with words and your ability to paint the picture for us is excellent. I could see the old man bending down to pick up his coin; could picture his expression of delight as he admired his new treasure including his thoughts on what it meant to him. Flash back to the real story behind the coin, and I am able to see Young Jimmy, desperate for relief, just doing what was normal for him on any given day. Did he think his bitten coin would end up being someone's gift in the future? Doubt it. But the last three lines of the poem: That coin carries tales of a bygone age. A memory's echo, an enduring spark, In the sands of time, leaving its mark - seem to say that despite it all, that ordinary coin is indeed rich in its own way. Suggestions:Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. This is a more of a question than an actual suggestion, but why did you choose to start off some lines with capitalization and others without? Is it just a stylistic choice? First three lines all start out small, and then the rest start with capitals. It's not particularly jarring; as it doesn't throw me off while reading, but! maybe it will help to keep things a bit uniform. A typo also noticed was this: >> Memory's Memories of joy forever pass And then there's the use of punctuation - some lines end with periods, some with comma, and then others without, which - while reading out loud - means I cannot pause or take a breath. However, this can make a few areas confusing to the reader. For instance this section: Back in 1963 Young Jimmy had to pee Stood by that tree while he pulled a coin Biting it with mischief, a youthful decree. Bent to the side, left a lasting mark, Little did he know, it would embark On a journey, against a tree it did embark, If we are following your use of commas, it would seem fitting that one should be placed after 1963. However, I do like it the way it reads...until you get to the last two lines where I loose the flow there a bit. This continuous use of commas affects the next few lines as well. Commas tell me to pause while reading, and when I do that, the rhythm is lost.    You have a gift for poetry, and I hope you continue to hone your skills in the craft. Write on!    Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/01/2024 @ 10:10pm EDT