%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4741007 |
 | Big Bright Eyes  [E] Pinn a borrower, finds himself in a bind. Luckily, his friend Lily is close at hand.  |
 This is a "Game of Thrones" review!Hello, James Erikson!  Overall Impression:This is a solid idea for a daily flash fiction entry and integrates the prompt nicely. Title and Description: The title is good. If you'd like to get more views, it's worth redoing the description. Think of the description like a book blurb. It's an opportunity to entice readers to click on your story by giving them a little slice of what your story is about. Hook and plot:The first paragraph and a half of the story is full of beautiful imagery, and I thought at first I'd continue to read about birds and butterflies. With such a tight word count, giving so much introduction before your borrower's hook comes in without losing the point of the tale is difficult. However, your description could do some of the heavy lifting for you by letting the reader know it's a story about Pinn and Lily in some way. I'd recommend that option over reworking the opening because the beginning is its own type of hook. Phrases like "freshly solidified butterflies burst through frigid sleep" and "breeze passing over the verdant vastness" offer an almost poetic element to the story and set a great tone. The plot is okay, but it does feel a bit disjointed between Pinn's solo adventure and meeting up with Lily. A more cohesive angle would be to have Lily involved at the time of the fall or for her to be referenced earlier in the story (which would be challenging in the tight word count). Characters and dialogue:I didn't have a problem envisioning any of your story's characters, from the butterflies to the borrowers. The dialogue presents some problems, particularly when two characters speak in the same paragraph. It's difficult for a reader to discern what's going on. The dialogue itself is fine, so it's an easy problem to solve. The fastest way to fix it is to grab a novel, look at how the dialogue is handled, and adjust yours accordingly. Grammar and Mechanics:A good grammar program can help catch some of the errors inherent to flash fiction writing on a deadline. It may not catch things like "Eyeing the flowers still untouched." That sentence dangles alone and seems awkward on its own. It should probably be attached to the first part: Pinn, a borrower of simple leaf hat and tunic, skips from stem to grass blade, eyeing the untouched flowers. Final Thoughts:Mastering technical aspects can take some time, but you've shown some strong writing abilities, especially in the first part of the story. It's creative and charming, and I hope we see lots of activity from you! Thank you for sharing your work with us! Jayngle Bells   My approach to reviews: "I'll Explain, but not Disclaim" The views and opinions in this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and, therefore, do not necessarily reflect the group, activity, and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You responded to this review 04/02/2024 @ 10:45pm EDT