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 Review #4741144 |
 | Not So Lonely  [18+] Ana falls in love with a werewolf on Island Dupree and they start a new life together.  |
| (3.0)  The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Review of Not So Lonely by Jessiestarcreator1 To begin with, some minor matters of presentation. Always use all three genre optioins in the heading. They are useful for attracting readers searching for particular genres and Other doesn't bring anyone in. Also, get into the habit of giving a word count for everything you write. An editor is going to require it and all readers like to know just what they're taking on - save them the trouble of scrolling down to estimate how long the reading will take, The first sentence is, "My name is Ana Dupont, and this is my story." Never start a story with an announcement like that. It was done occasionally in the 19th Century but has become too reminiscent of school essays and the like. It gives an unprofessional first impression. If you delete that first sentence, your beginning becomes the next sentence and it's fine as an opener, with enough information to intrigue the reader. It's your job to hook readers as soon as possible, remember. There are a few later sentences that need attention and I'll list them here: "And the gorgeous smile ever." I think you mean "And the most gorgeous smile ever." It's a bit of a weak statement anyway, since "gorgeous" is a matter of personal opinion. Much better to think of some other way in which the smile was attractive. Was it lop-sided, for instance, or toothy? I once met a girl who I have forgotten entirely apart from the fact that she had a gap in between her two front teeth. It was impossible to not be fascinated by that gap and it remains with me to this day (over fifty years later), even though I can remember nothing else about her, not even the colour of her hair. "I felt a strange connection to him. It was as if he could see right through me." Be careful with statements like this. Usually when we say someone looks right through us, it means they're ignoring us. That's not what you mean, I'm sure. Apart from these details, I do wonder about her turning out to be a werewolf too. If she were, would she be "intrigued and fascinated" by the news that he is one? It explains why she isn't repelled by the information but she should know enough about being a werewolf not to be intrigued by it. These are all fairly minor matters, however, and the main story shows some promise. It could be much more if developed a little bit and more drama injected. You could describe the progress of the hunt and how it felt, for example. Your writing is clear and well phrased and, with practice, you could be writing up a storm. Practice is definitely the key. Review by  Beholden for  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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