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 Review #4741743 |
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| (3.5)| Hi Angelica Weatherby-Fallishere , This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" ! The review is also written for Week 14 of "I Write in 2024" .Disclaimer The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. What I liked:  This story shows how a grandma teaches her granddaughter about the things that are important in life. The older woman gives her granddaughter an insight into valuing herself for what is on the inside, and not her outer appearances. She teaches this by giving a short story about a woman who is described as ugly on the outside (personally, I would never describe anyone as ugly, and I think it is sad that the girl starts out by using it in relation to herself). This girl is shown as kind hearted and caring in the way that she stops to help a cow that is lost. Her friends all leave her with the cow and go off to party elsewhere. Some friends! But, this young woman has the last laugh because the cow's owner is rich and generous, and he bestows a heap of gold on her. This story persuades the granddaughter that she doesn't have to be the thinnest and prettiest person alive. But, instead, she is a good person inside, and that is what matters. That is a nice message. I liked the way you use an allegory to put your message across. It works well. I liked the grandma, and I liked the relationship between her and her granddaughter. The younger girl seems to respect her grandma, and that is nice. I like how the girl goes on to do really well in her dance recital.Suggestions: I thought the sudden detail of, "Then she went to peek at the stage." confused me at first. It came out of the blue with no mention of a stage or contest beforehand, so it seemed to come from nowhere. I didn't know what the stage was for. And, was it at her grandma's house? Because the girl got up from the meal table and took a peek at the stage. At the start of the story, you write, "' ... I need to stop eating,' Lily pondered." - Firstly, when using dialogue tags, it's usually best to stick to "said." But, also, "pondered" isn't a speech tag. You can't ponder a sentence to someone else. My last suggestion is: "Already she was feeling better already." You have two "already"s in this sentence. I would delete one. Parting comments: Thanks for sharing your writing. I enjoyed this story. Choconut    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/04/2024 @ 6:56am EDT