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Review #4742129
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Spices, Jerk, and Chili  Open in new Window. [E]
Junior is happy enough to let Derice lead, but when it comes to chili...
by SantaBee Author Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Greetings from the House of Mormont!
By participating in a Writing.com activity called "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window., I am in no way endorsing the GoT franchise or identifying as a fan thereof. I’m here to help my team win *Smile*

I assume this is the story you were writing for last month’s What A Character contest. I hope it’s ok if I review it for you, because I did write one of my own, and it’s somewhat similar to yours (weird fun fact: mine is about a teenage garage band… when my good friend Joey scribbled his own version of the opening of my first draft to show me how to make my writing more “showing” and “colorful,” he made up a random title of a song the band had written: Cool Running! I had never heard that phrase before and thought it was just some silly thing he came up with to sound modern and hip. When I saw it in your story, I looked it up… and all the pieces of what you did fell into place quite cleverly, with the names and the Jamaican characters and all. Isn’t that funny? I didn’t bother including that “song title” in my final draft…)

Ok, I’ve managed to say nothing about your item *Laugh* I found this an enjoyable read with a happy ending. I love the cultural theme and the way you’ve set it up in California with the friendly Jamaican cousins. Derice’s determination to “make it big” before he marries Barbie is admirable, and I relate to Junior’s laidback attitude. No hard feelings arise between them as the contest turns out unexpectedly, and they can use their winnings to keep things going quite nicely for everyone.

Your writing flows smoothly and carries the story along quite well, as we wait for Junior’s chili to be appreciated by someone in the shadow of Derice’s jerk. I’m not going to fuss about the font you’ve used; you can see my recent newsfeed post with screenshots if you’re interested in knowing why I might not always like using Comic font. Perhaps the contest expects us to include the prompt at the bottom; I’ve included it in mine in a drop note with the word count. Congratulations on having 250 words left over! One concern when writing these contest entries is that I’m making the best use of the word allotment without going over.

Best of luck on your entry, and don’t forget to add a third relevant genre to the story when the judging is over. I would suggest “Regional” because of the California vibes.

I enjoyed reading this. Take care *HeartG*

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
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