"Game of Thrones"  "The Iron Bank of Braavos" 



Hi Bearclaw

My name is Lyn, I am one of the sly foxes.

Title: Gunsmoke and Rose Petals

First Impression: I've checked into hotels and had similar reactions from the clerk. It's immensely frustrating. I'm noticing that the dialogue is stilted like the author isn't comfortable with the English language. People respond more casually than you have here.

What needs your attention:
1."Have you need assistance with your bags, Sir?"" you're missing the preposition have you need of assistance.
2. r vacation r busines you're missing the o in or
3. Consider the paragraph with the nerve wracking toilet, followed by gunshots..his reactions would have been more emotional or agitated by the gunshots being so close. The way it is written, it's like it happens all the time.
4. Do you if she was expecting anyone you're missing the word know. do you know if she...

What part I liked best: I was amsused at the officers indifference to his writing. Many people don't acknowledge writing as a career choice they see it as a hobby.The officer dismissed it as being a work situation until it suited his needs.

Overall impression: "Whoever did should know that was a big no-no and you could get into trouble for that. It would be considered interfering in the investigation of an ongoing Police case. The jail was not out of the question." sections like this come across as the author inserting information instead of working it naturally with dialogue. Sam could easy be talking to a guest who wants to call the paper. It would feel more natural.

The story has potential it just needs some tweaking.

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for allowing me to read your work. It has been my pleasure.


What does the Fox say?????


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .