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 Review #4745435 |
 | Wanya's Day  [ASR] A forest elf in the city.  |
| (4.0)| Hallo PiriPica ! I will be reviewing your work "Wanya's Day" for House Targaryen on behalf of "Game of Thrones"  Content: Written for the No Dialogue contest, this is a story about a forest elf who goes to the city for a day out and encounters something she is forced to confront. Pluses: It's always entertaining to imagine how fantastical creatures would fit into a city setting, and it appears that this is world you've built where all of those sort of creatures can co-exist within the same space. We are introduced to Wanya, who is a forest elf and has apparently come to the city to sightsee. Unfortunately, Wanya is not used to the heat and noise and finds it uncomfortable. In the midst of her attempting to get some sort of reprieve from the heat, she is jostled by a rude being, called an orcoid, who does what he does best; invite a fight. Well done, on the descriptions of your characters by the way, and because you cannot use dialogue, we have to rely on your ability to show the reader their personalities in a different way. Of course, the orcoid comes off as thuggish and disgruntled, but not to be deterred, Wanya has a few tricks up her sleeve as well. Somehow, she manages to defeat her opponent, while the onlookers can only clutch their amulets and hope it's not their turn next. Suggestions:Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it's ultimately up to you to choose what works best. >>her brow and readjust her clothes (I honestly read this as a 'readjust' - one word - until I realized it was supposed to be re-adjust  Or you could just go with 'adjust' alone as this is the first time she's actually doing it in your story)>>and there was a blinding flash of of light. >>before blinkingly looking back at the elf. (that was a mouthful to read. Perhaps something along the lines of:...before blinking back at the elf OR ...before looking back at the elf - would read better) >>calmy (calmly) chuckling to herself (actually, I don't even think you need that word there. Chuckling is a low sound and a calming chuckle almost seems redundant)   Thanks for sharing this fun short story with us, and keep on writing!   Disclaimer: The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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