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Review #4745972
Viewing a review of:
 A Night to Remember Open in new Window. [E]
A short story of when i got to met my birth sisters for the first time.
by Jacqueline Author Icon
Review by Tiggy Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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*PenB* First Impressions:

From the brief description I assume that this is a personal story because you said it was you who met your birth sisters. I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like growing up not knowing that there were other family members, let alone so many of them! The title of this story was well chosen, and I would think that all of them looked back on it fondly. Of course, at first this meeting was very awkward, especially as the other knew each other and only Catherine hadn’t met them before. But it didn’t take long for them to feel more comfortable around each other and start sharing stories about their childhood and how they were getting on now. It was an interesting tale, and you included a lot of details about their lives.


*PenG* Suggestions:

The story would benefit from another edit. I noticed mainly punctuation errors (I assume the rules are the same in Australia and the UK), and I’m going to point out a few of them below, but those errors happened more than once. If you read the story again, you can spot similar ones.

Keep calm Catherine it's going to be okay.
You need a comma before and after the name to set off the direct address.

let the car start tonight it is so important to me
There should be some punctuation after “tonight”. I think a period would work best.

"Give it a go now Cathy' he yelled
Again, there should be a comma after “now” to set off the direct address, and you need a comma after “Cathy” as well, before the speech marks.

"What would I do without you guys? She said
You forgot the closing speech marks after the question mark.

"Would you like something to drink" Margaret asked.
There should be a question mark after “drink”.

And just one general suggestion: If this is indeed a personal story, I would probably choose ‘Personal’ as one of the genres.


*PenP* Final Thoughts:

It would be nice to know what happened after this. I’m guessing the women getting to know each other better could fill a whole novel, and I think it would be interesting to read more about it. They all seemed to get on very well and I’m sure they got to spend quite a lot of time together and with their families.




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