%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4746478 |
 | Autoimmune Patient a Day of Lockdown  [E] Daily problems that autoimmune patients live with, including locked inside their homes.  |
| (4.0)| The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. This is being reviewed for
  Hey, LMs❤️BrewinMagic! I'm back. As for your title, do you have spaces available for a colon? I feel like your title could benefit from one after the word "patient." But that's me. FYI, all the things I say are just my own opinion. Use what you like and ignore the rest.  Thanks for the prompt, though that was kind of amusing how it rambled.  Well, I ramble, so I shouldn't laugh.   Anyway, I'm assuming you listed the genres in a dropnote because the contest said to? Otherwise, they aren't necessary.  But I'm super glad you posted a link to the contest you wrote this for. I love when folks do that! I also have started trying to remember to write the contest name down, too, in case it's ever deleted, I'll still know what I wrote it for, even if the link is gone. Because this is a longer item, I'll be commenting as I read. - "...watching the rain slide down her Mustangs slick green body..." That should be "mustang's" - "Tonya looks out of her living room window, watching the rain slide down her Mustangs slick green body, sipping on her hot tea. She picks up her phone and dials the doctor's office." Huh?  You just posted the exact same thing (as far as I can tell) right above. Am I missing something?- You say, "Sandy tried to reassure Tonya." Then you say, "Tonya strains to get out the words." Remember to stay in the same tense. I'm terrible at it, too. How is that possible? Do we switch tenses like this when we talk?? I don't think so...though maybe we do. - "Tears streaming down her tear-stained cheeks." You don't need to say the cheeks are tear-stained as that's obvious if she's crying. - I feel terrible for Tonya and her situation. GREAT JOB!  - "...sliding her sunglasses back on quickly to stop the pain of the sunlight" This is like the 4th or 5th time you've used "slide" in some way, and maybe always even using "sliding." lol Look for another word. Things like this and the tear-stained comment above are what impacted the rating.- I LOVE the bit where she's talking to herself and then telling herself she needs to stop talking to herself. Awesome!  - With the telemarketer, you keep mentioning that she's throwing him off guard. Try to say that another way. But it does sound fun and I'm glad she's trying to find some joy in her life, even if it is a bit at the expense of others. She deserves some happiness. I'm so sorry for all she's going through! You really made this character feel real without being able to use much description. Very nicely done.Her playing with the telemarketer reminds me of a guy who used to do that and record them. He had them on CDs. You can probably find that type of stuff on YouTube now days. It was hilarious, though! Great addition here!I just realized you listed your genres as "Personal" and "Experience." Are these things you've been through? I know you are often sick. If this is based on or inspired by a true story, I'm so sorry that this is what your life was like during COVID's lockdown. How horrible!    I hate that whether this is really what things were like for you or not that you have to deal with being sick. You're too awesome for that kind of nonsense. Anyway, true or not, thank you for sharing this story. Also, I'm super impressed with you making it a play. I entered this contest once and swear the points of making it a play were harder than writing the storyline, itself. Good for you for getting it done! Yay!Thank you so much for sharing your writing! Keep it up!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
||||||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.